Theory 1: Zimbabwean men find it okay to sleep around before marriage but with a non-negotiable and unrealistic expectation to end up marrying a virgin.... (bastards!)

Argument: Double standards. Who the hell do Zimbabwean men think they are???

The Real Gwan: Non-virgins were on the negative side of the equation. For the non-virgins; after all the hard work, 'vaginal allure' and eventually being left 'ringless', with maybe a kid or 2 (shout out to the M1s and M2s), virgins got all the props - for doing NOTHING.

The Plan: A real stroke of genius. Rather than attempting to convince more men to maintain flaccidity in their pants until marriage (which was going to be too hard for the vagina loving bastards), they decided to corrupt the last remaining batch of virgins and introduce a new school of thought to the old and outdated 'Feminine Code'.

I mean how would you feel, if, in the last minute of the World Cup final you dribbled from your half to the other end of the pitch and at the goal line someone else comes from nowhere and taps it in. The goal is credited to their name, everyone talks about how they won it for 'your team', they even get Man of the Match and sh*t. I'd be happy the team won but damn pissed that I lost. Non-virgins could have taken the approach of blatantly calling out virgins and saying, 'Look here troops, you are messing things up for the rest of us by doing 'the right thing' and closing your legs till that one man. Would you be so kind to go and get piped BEFORE marriage and experience a fair few number of peni so we all have a fair go?' But they didn't. Instead, Zimbabwean men got the stick for loving vagina too much and because there was no hope in them un-loving vagina anyway, the best option was to declare a state of emergency and somehow make virgins open their legs early.... to make it fair.
No virgins. No problem.





I told you these non-virgins applied a commendable dose of intelligence.





The extinction of the virgin was vital to non-virgins but the virgins in their innocence didn't know any better therefore curiosity killed the cat of course. So they thought, 'Why 'let' men dagger other women, run trains on hoes and all that nasty ish while we innocently wait for The One?' Why couldn't the virgins while up time by sampling different variations of the pipe (in this age of equal rights damn it!)? More and more virgins began defecting to the other side to 'punish' the vagina-virgin loving bastards which meant more daggerable vaginas along the way and ultimately less virgins for marriage. And so it was...

... but with one pivotal flaw - the belief that in all this, the vagina-virgin loving bastards were the constant that would remain the same and so too their mentality concerning virginity (and lack there of).














Theory 2: Virgin vagina = better sex, better love, better woman, better wife, better everything.

Argument: Too high a respect level for unpiped vagina at the expense of the rest.

The Real Gwan: At some point admittedly, virgins were the business. Most vagina lovers probably wanted one and dreamt of being the dude who 'broke it'... at some point. Just not now. Somewhere in the midst of this whole theoretical confusion they realised that an unbroken hymen in no way positively influenced sex. Yip. Its. All. About. Sex. The thought of sex with a virgin will forever have its place in the Vagina Lovers Hall of Fame, yes... but other than that, as a self proclaimed rep of the vagina lovers, I would like to kindly inform you all that they have no business with virgins whatsoever. You may wonder why:

1. Too much ground work - the days of 'ndokupfimba kwe6 months while you 'decide' if I am worth it or not' are long gone. If it will take you 6 months to get her to go out with you it might be a few years before you finally get to the vagina, if at all.
2. Unskilled labour - every job comes with desirable qualifications, prerequisites and levels of experience. The only thing virgins possess for the job are vaginas - not good enough.
3. Attachment issues - go ahead and break a hymen for fun and see how clingy the carrier of that hymen becomes. If one thing, the man who done taketh your woman's virginity should live as far away as possible.
4. Platinum P*ssy Syndrome - 'I waited this long to open my legs now you have to bow down to my vagina or else...' You know the kind that uuuummmmm will use the vagina as bait like it has some super powers or something. Like virginity is this unattainable level of humanism for a select few.

The Vagina Lovers Association of Zimbabwe refuses to commit to such stress levels.

Meaning the well-executed plan by non-virgins under Theory 1 was not so great after all. Rather than having an exclusive and relatively small number of non-virgins to take advantage of the shift in mentality by the vagina lovers and leave virgins in their ignorance, the master plan resulted in overcrowding in I-Love-Penisville. Once virgins caught on and rushed to get daggered, the battle for vagina lovers intensified.

The Plan: Equip more high school boys with the knowledge and confidence to have the balls to devirginise as many as possible, thus taking care of this virginity problem in its infancy. This also makes our job in pipe insertion easier once this school thing is out of the way and the vagina carriers join the workforce or something. Simply because we love things.

#NowPlaying Vybz Kartel - Virginity