So as the world revolves we are have all evolved into someone's ex. Yes you are currently dating someone he/she dated and she is dating someone she dated and your exs ex is reading this right about now. It's the one title that comes with the territory and it's the one territory you must adhere to the set etiquette or you will have some issues. Let me elaborate.

In my whimsical by gone youth I used to have this very insane idea of inviting all my exs to my wedding in a bid to show just how friendly we where and how we had parted ways amicably. Now forgive me for being naive and as I was once told I seemed to be living in a little bubble all by myself. Now no matter how amicably or not you part ways with an ex there is still one party that is somewhat bitter and angry. This can be covered by a multitude of I don't cares and I don't give a damn but the anger is because you care.

Okay so I'm not here to help you over the threshold of pain and how you can deal with the bitterness, anger and pain you may or may not be holding on to but this post was inspired by a good friend of mine who asked these questions on Facebook:

Would you donate a kidney to your ex?

How would you handle the following situation: Your partner who has not worked for months gets a job but it has been organised by their ex and they will be working closely.

At what point do you draw the line as to what connection you reserve and have with an ex? Now if you are part of a couple and you have had the pre-relationship talk (Thank you Mr Kunakirwa) and the issue of exs have been discussed you will have agreed or disagreed to cut all connections with the past and start on a fresh page. There really is no use dragging a huge chunk (human being) with you into the future. After much thought I realised there has to be an etiquette guide as to how to handle your ex and here it goes:

Keeping tabs on your ex - When you break up with someone there is always a little part of you that wants to find out if they did better or worse without you. Yes come on just admit it and a huge part of you wishes they epically fail; grow fat and become very unattractive. As much as the desire to see their 'imminent downfall' eats at you; don't keep tabs on them. Don't follow up and find out if they eventually got that degree and where they are now working etc etc etc. Let go and move on for the sake of your life and these might just be borderline stalker tendencies you are developing.


Friends on Facebook / Twitter / LinkedIn / Skype or wherever - The first question I will ask you: What do you still have to discuss with them? The conversation will always go down the path of trying to figure out why you broke up. And one of you will say the dreaded words I miss you; then the next thing you are reminiscing on when you went to Gold Reef City mese and when you visited this person and that person and the first kiss etc. Right about now would be a good time to smack you! Hanzi 'Matakadya kare haanyaradzi mwana!' Don't be in their space and live your life separate of their Facebook status updates. The sad truth is every picture you see on Facebook will show them looking very happy and healthy WITHOUT YOU.

Friends - I never understood this one till quite recently. For the love of peace and harmony you and your partner must not share friends. The reason is very simple the day you break up it's like a divorce and the unspoken argument is who keeps Tim or Vanessa. Quite honestly your friends do not need the drama. Keep your friends separate and this will save you future break up stress when you end up at the same party and you are single and they are not.

Calling or Texting - Even if you have all the airtime in the world. Please do not call your ex. Yes even if you miss them / drunk dial them or just 'happen to do it by mistake'. Delete their number and move on. All that text you will send will say when your ex reads it is: "I'm lonely and miserable since you left me. HELP!" Yes even if all you write is 'Hey you long time no speak.' Please go and be miserable and get over it and not text.



Sex - Ladies and Gents no matter how fantastic it was, even if you spoke in tongues please can we stop the sex with the ex. It's like drinking something, spitting it out and then drinking it again. This is incredibly distressing especially when your ex actually has another partner. Besides the possibilities of being found in bed with them and getting the life beaten out of you. The best you ever had is just you and your paranoia. Technically speaking it probably wasn't that good (lol). AND YES SLEEPING WITH YOUR EX WHILE YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE ELSE IS CHEATING AND IT'S NOT A MISTAKE!



Family - Now this one is where a lot of females are culprits. So while you and your ex were dating you met his mother, sisters, aunts and it became like you were part of the family. Alas, things didn't work out and now you have parted ways. Why do you still visit his family? Seriously the connection you had is over so why are you acting like you are part of the furniture? Don't visit. Don't call. Don't attend birthday parties. Don't cook for them - just don't! Nothing you do can convince your ex to take you back in fact this will infuriate the hell out of them. Go and adopt another family.


Rebound - It's amazing that only when you are single and lonely you 'suddenly' realise how hot your ex was. Abeg it's paranoia! Your ex is still the same person you broke up with for the same reasons you could not stand about them. Now if you get trapped into playing the rebound game a part of you will always hold on to some belief that this time it will be better. You could do this for years and the truth is you will still get to the point or issues that made you break up and chances are faster than the first time. Don't be the rebound chick/guy. It's all just an ego boost for the other person.


Favours - So your ex rolls into your town and alas 'they have nowhere to sleep' and you happen to be the only person they could think of who could help. Hold your horses before you become the Good Samaritan. Picture this: You and your ex in the same house for 3 days. Unless you are both blind this will lead to trouble. Bless you and your white cotton socks for having a good heart but this is you courting trouble and it will not end well. Direct them to the nearest and cheapest hotel and get a good night's sleep - guilt free.

Lending - Don't lend your ex money, your car or anything. Just be a little Scrooge and say no. This is a serious tip for the fellas, don't do it because chances are you will never get that money back and you are being used. Yes some of you who keep getting calls from your ex; take my advice and block that chick. You are her walking ATM. #FACT

So yes I'm coming across as the cold-hearted one right now but you have been warned. Exs are like a virus once you open the door they will infest your life and never leave. It would be very sticky trying to explain why your ex sent you a birthday present to your current partner.

Now this is a personal request please do not terrorize your exs current partner. Hezvo kondiye akatadzei? Let them be! My sisters let that chick be. They got your leftovers. That's life - let it go. Ndostalker behaviour yatambotaura iya; it will end you up in jail.

I will never understand humans we seem attracted to shooting ourselves in the foot continuously in the hope that it will not hurt this time. They say only a fool does the same thing and expects different results.

Now a little advice: The only sure way you know that you are over your ex is when you can't recall their number by heart, don't feel no anger, hatred or evil thoughts towards them. Once you get to this stage then you are well on your way to freedom lol

Till next time darlings ....