Boyz dzangu.....

It had been a while tambotaura. Ko ngatimbokurukura nyaya yemakumbo iya. Not ekufambisa. Not ekutamba bhora. But makumbo. Anonaka aya. Maiziya? Level.

Long story short, most of us dudes have serious trouble keeping it in our pants. Vanhurume we are experts at advising each other how to cheat as opposed to a far more noble and rewarding inclination of 'how NOT to cheat' on madzimai edu. Hameno kuti hot-wiring mupfungwa dzedu yakakanganiswa sei chaizvo chaizvo. I ain't tryna come at you dudes on that 'respect her needs' level. Nah. Nhasi ngatigarisane zvakanaka titaure in a language we actually understand as men. Zano marairanwa gen'a. Chati homu chareva. This is the definitive guide to being a faithful Zimbo man in 2013.

1. Cut the porn - Prolly every ninja is thinking 'How the hell does porn make me cheat?'. Well, first of all, not many Zim women like this 'my boyfriend watches porn ndisipo' business. It makes them feel like they don't 'measure up' to your desires and the moment your woman starts thinking that, your sex life will suffer. Trust. You don't want your woman questioning how attractive she is / is not to you. Us dudes are cool with it and know that the porn is of no attachment to our true desires. Unfortunately your woman doesn't and unless she is of a weird standing, she most likely will never understand your angle as a man towards porn. Once the sex life suffers you (both) get frustrated. When you both get frustrated, someone will cave. Therein lies the problem. Most us dudes 'fix' this by getting our water from a different well. I think tanzwanana.


















2. Stop befriending anything in a skirt - besides the fact that girls are generally uncomfortable being in a relationship with a guy who is 'friends' with the whole feminine populace on his attraction radar, it stresses them out. We as dudes don't really care. Which is fine. But we should care. At least if you are down for your lady. Face value suggests that you are a 'friendly guy'. Reality though, states that this increases the potential makumbo within your reach. Simple. Straight machine-gun marketing strategy. Especially if you make an effort to keep in touch with them that communication is somewhat 'regular'. The more feminines you know, the more potential makumbo you have pabhenji wakamirira kusabhura vari mudariro. In any case how many of us then wait kuisa sub, as opposed to kutamba #GameShadabu with more than 1 set of makumbo. 1 leg shadabu, another leg shadabu....
Dangerous play.

3. Nyenga the girl you really want - Not the girl that is currently available. How many of us dudes have done this? How many of us dudes have done this more than once? How many of us dudes have done this more than once fully knowing that this girl is at best our 3rd/4th/5th choice? Big issue among us men. Problem with going for what is there because it's there is that chances are we will get fed up quickly, besides already knowing at the back of your mind that this girl is a time pusher. You are wasting everyone's time too. Other side to it is that if you nyenga the girl you really want, the chances of you getting your attention going elsewhere is greatly reduced. Not saying you won't cheat if you are a cheater anyway but it's far much easier to keep your focus on her.






















4. Kuchiva nyaya dzemamwe machinda - sometimes us men tinonyeperana. "Ndakazokwira nhingi, ndikabvarura akaka katsvuku aka". It's indirect competition for many of us and the excitement yekufunga about being able to bed numerous women can be too hard to resist. I don't expect any woman to find any sense in that statement but deep down us men know. The real difference is that a dude who chooses not to cheat can easily dismiss these 'ndakakwira nhingi' stories as just that. Stories. Tokwanisa kuseka zvedu semachinda but that is where we draw the line. Cheating is not something that we should aim to attain, no reasoning can okay that. The sooner we realise that, the less 'desire' we have to cheat.




5. Avoid Ex's - paPhone, paWhatsApp kana BBM kana Viber kana ... Ok. Avoid them like a plague my ninja. If you WANT to be faithful that is. They are potentially the easiest sex you can get with little or no effort at all especially if you parted on shockingly good terms. After all munombonyanyotaura nyaya dzei iwe une wako? I won't go into the 'can exs be genuine friends' debate. Not today. Just watch your moves bro.




6. Keep your woman's friends at a respectable distance - This is the dark horse of this whole list. It's amazing how many women push their men to be 'close' to their friends. Not advisable. Anyhoo.. by nature I don't feel comfortable befriending my partner's friends to the level yekuchinjana numbers and becoming 'friends' zvekutotandara madam vasipo. No. Thank. You. Only time I will have any interaction with them is through my woman or when my woman is there. I may be stuck up for all it is. I couldn't be asked to care. Fact is every dude has rated those 'friends' anyway. In the back of your mind you know if you would dagger or not given a chance. Whether we act like we don't notice the 'friends', we do. Ask yourself, what business do you have kushamwaridzana navo zvinozokosha kusvika ipapo? One thing is for certain, keeping them at arm's length keeps me out of trouble and the lines will not get blurred.

7. All that glitters is not gold - This is the golden rule. Let me tune you a gwan, many many years ago when the internet was still new to me, I came across photos of a woman called Kim Kardashian. Now without knowing who she was or what she did all I could think was 'Daaaayyyyyuuuuuuuuum!!!!!! That woman is fiiiiiiiiiine and I would hit that no questions asked.' Kupinda mupostori and all. Did I mean it at the time? Probably. Would I slam that given a chance now? No. She does not move me in any such manner like those first days. Why? The more I found out about this Kim Kardashian character, the less I wanted to know about her, the less I liked her. She is beautiful, sure, but beyond that she is actually very undesirable to me. If I see her on TV or wherever else now, I don't even care. That's what happens with many of the women we end up cheating with. They seem like everything we ever wanted until we really get to know em a bit more and realize what a f*** up it was compromising our perfectly good relationships for them. If you learn this lesson quick enough as a man, you can easily reduce the stress of 'I let a good woman go.'

I sure as hell know I am not the best advice giver among my circle but where I can ndobatsirawo, ndiko kutoita zviri nani sevarume kwatinoitawo by talking it out. Ultimately, being able to be faithful stems from love and respect. I would prefer a 2013 with a much happier girlfriend/wife than one izere stress that I could have easily avoided. Cheating isn't worth it really. Save yourself the drama ekse.
















So we all know what happened yesterday between the two Zim representatives in Big Brother Star Game, Roki and Maneta (vid below)

Maneta and Roki Fight

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For those who haven't been following BBA StarG lemme break it down for you:

Roki likes Maneta so he makes moves on her. At first she resists then eventually 'falls' for the dude. However, they are not 'together' per se because she claims to have a boyfriend that she loves on the outside (a ninja who publicly denies her anyway). Roki and Maneta get close, they share beds, give each other massages and all that sweet shit etc. Then they fight. They make up. They argue. They laugh together. It's love, it's hate, it's everything.

Past few days the 2 aren't quite getting along. Maneta decides to make a move on Keitta (Ghana housemate) who doesn't want her not because she is easy but coz he has a girl on the outside (ex-housemate). Roki and Keitta don't really get along. Maneta knows this. Her game plan? Get Roki mad. She was up for eviction. The way she had been acting in the last week or 2 showed someone who was now frustrated of the house. She had adopted an 'I'll do what I want coz I'm going out anyway' attitude. Given that, she had threatened to stab Roki a number of times (never quite to his face though). So yesterday Maneta and Roki exchange words over some BS. She throws milk in his face. He throws water in hers. The other housemates break it up. Both are visibly angry. Sometime later Roki goes to Maneta's room and pours some drops of water on her weave. Maneta at first doesn't react but she is pissed. Roki goes away. Maneta then goes to the cleaning cupboard and gets a bucket of detergent. She tracks down Roki and throws it in his face. By reflex, Roki tries to slap Maneta but misses. Housemates quickly get the 2 as far away from each other while Roki is in pain and Maneta is hurling insults. This results in both of them getting disqualified.

Sad. Disappointing. Embarrassing. Especially after the highly publicised physical confrontation between DKB (Ghana) and Zainab (Sierra Leone) one would think that nothing of the sort would happen again. To say the least the whole debacle was just childish and not worth losing the 300 000USD for. Seems many people are blaming Maneta. I can understand why but Roki played his part too, he just faced a more determined psycho than his assessment gave credit for. This is how they both messed up:

Maneta:












Let's just call a spade a spade. We damn well know there was no way in hell Maneta was going to win the 300 000USD. No way. Her chances were as good as Zimbabwe winning the FIFA World Cup in 2014. After Maneta moved to Upville and revealed herself, my position on this was that the girl should step. Of course this inclination led to this photo ----------->

Some called it hation. Yea. Sure. Others called for 'patriotism'. Zimbabwean or not, I refused to support Maneta for one distinct reason: She is a dhandahead. Girl knew very little about any real subject matter but was most vocal when it came to pointless rants much about nothing. That is when the 21 year old in her truly came out. There are those ages when 'girls' (in this case, but 'boys' too in the vice versa scenario) love to do everything to make a point against men. It doesn't have to make sense as long as they feel victorious. That's Maneta right there. She fast proved to be a very annoying, extremely foul-mouthed and unintelligent being. Type dzinongomirira jambanja kuti dzinzwikwe because kumwe kwese haana door. Them ones vanoda kujamuka sterek so that people 'see' that she means business since she cannot garner respect in a more 'conventional' way. Happy to step on other peoples toes but wants to be treated like a queen. All this made her quite unlikeable. She did try to play the 'I'm an orphan' card so that people felt sorry for her but it never worked. Yes, an orphan you are but one that possess a shitty attitude.

I wanted Maneta to step, in part because she was the biggest threat to Roki coming home with the money. I didn't envision it to end like this but I feared Roki losing momentum and fans if he got with her.

Roki was at his best in the house:
1) Before Maneta moved to Upville
2) whenever Maneta was not in close proximity or
3) whenever the two were in good books.

There is always that woman who can bring out the worst in a man. The ones who know exactly which buttons to press.
The Maneta type.

Then she badmouthed Zimbabwe and Zimbabweans countless times... Nah, that was it for me, she was not worth supporting. If I was to support Maneta for patriotism? I'd gladly say 'F*ck patriotism'. No thanks.

Maneta knew the gig was up for her. Among the nominees for eviction she was clearly out of favour. However, she also knew she could make one last statement before that, as someone who had nothing to lose. One last act of spite and how better than to take Roki down with her in a predetermined act of provocation which would see him react and pull a DKB on her. She was on that Zainab swag and clearly said to Roki "Do it then you can go home." She knew exactly what she was doing. Those "HandingamboDeportwe ndega, hazviite" typa people. It didn't matter WHEN she was going to get booted out but WHO she chose to take the fall with her. She succeeded and proved what many of us knew all along: she is vindictive by nature and attitude.


Roki:

I have to admit, before the show I was worried about how Roki would rep Zimbabwe in the house. He has a bad boy reputation which suggests an unlikeable guy. I don't know the ninja like that so I can't conclusively say. One thing was for certain though, Zimbabwe loved/s his music so he had strong support before even setting a foot in that house. Upon entering the house he showed a distinct knowledge of the ways of the world and was easily the most well-spoken housemate in the whole BBA StarG. He was very patriotic and defended Zimbabwe against Maneta at each turn when she spoke ill of our people. His passion was evident. That won him many fans. Other than that, when he tried kuSofta Maneta he showed the magical 3Cs: composure, confidence and charm, much of which made many women across Africa like the guy. The man could make just about any woman moist when he spits game, no lie. He was Zimbabwe's hope at that 300k and worst case scenario he was going to be in the Top 3. He was our best chance and Africa knew he could take it home.

Subsequently, Roki failed. He failed on many levels and disappointed Zimbabwe and Africa at that. His first mistake was continuing to try his hand at bedding Maneta which we all know was his end game. I think in as much as he liked Maneta a lot, he needed to see through the BS kinda like what Prezzo did. That Prezzo ninja read the next mainini like a book the first few days, especially given that he considered making a move on her too. He settled for a more 'humble looking' but better overall package in Goldie. Prezzo made sure he didn't give Maneta the time of day. Some people ukavapa time vakazviziva vanoonererwa. Roki failed. He failed to focus on the bigger picture. 300 000USD was the goal, all else to follow. He failed to maintain a distinguished level of reasoning to ignore Maneta like a man should when he realises that 'this set of legs is not worth the drama'. Ninja should have seen that she was trouble and despite the fact that akanaka zvake, her beauty was not above Roki's dignity. When a woman blows hot and cold like that, as a man know your limits of kunyengerera and when to just leave it once and for all. In the end, dude cracked under Maneta's pressure which proved to be costly. He failed because for the 300k he could have gained but lost, he didn't even get makumbo. Damn Roki, damn. Do you have any idea how much legs woulda been waiting for u in Zim courtesy of that 300k though? Maneta cost you all that bro? Was she worth it?

AS REPUTATION HAS IT, MADHIREZI ARE ROKI'S WEAKNESS AS MANETA WAS ROKI'S WEAKNESS IN BBA StarG.
The weakness that cost him 300k. End of.


FINAL GOODBYES

When the 2 made their goodbyes, both videos just showed 2 very different scenarios. People were busy helping Roki pack and tears for just about everyone especially Goldie, Lady May and Prezzo. People loved that guy in the BBA StarG house and it hurt them to see him go in that manner. While holding back his own tears, Roki was given plenty of wise words and hugs.

ROKI LEAVES BBA STAR GAME

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On the other hand, Maneta's 'going away party' only consisted of Junia and Barbz. Hardly anyone said a word or even shed a tear with the only 'interesting' bit being Maneta telling Junia to "Tell those b*tches (Goldie, Prezzo and Keitta) to go f*ck the devil in f*cken hell!" *goffal accent* (whatever that means Maneta) *le sigh*

MANETA LEAVES BBA STAR GAME GUNS BLAZING

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That should sum up the 2 characters.

All said and done, I would be saddened if Roki does not use this experience and exposure to his advantage. He deserves his big break now. I wish him well, would have been easier with the 300k (maybe) but he now has a platform to get more from his talent. I see a potential TV presenter for MNet, MTVBaseAfrica etc with numerous hits across Africa as a very gifted singer. A collabo with Prezzo, Goldie and Lady May that gets song of the year at the Channel O Awards next year. As for Maneta: I hope you have the emotional stability to deal with the tirade that is coming to you once you land on Zimbabwean soil. It might help to be humble and blame it on the Big Brother 'social experiment' because if you choose to fight fire with fire, you will learn that hell hath no fury like Zimbabwean BBA fans. SAD TO SEE U GO ROKI.

A discussion ensued earlier that was aiming to tackle the rather interesting issue of why in Zim culture maBrothers evasikana are overly protective of them even into womanhood. Now this was based on the number of times that we, as men, have had to go through the very unfortunate scenario where your girlfriends brother 'ari kuda kukumam*sa' because he doesn't like you dating hanzvadzi yake, thinks she is too young to have a boyfriend or something to that effect. These are some of the most common occurrences though many times baseless but potentially disastrous for isusu team who seem to be dating girls who have brothers with a few screws loose.




















Now concerning this in particular I feel that our 'culture' plays a role. Seemingly it has failed to move our thinking in a forward manner. I am not against cultural norms but over time, behavioural modifications might be beneficial. We are raised to protect our sisters at every turn. The assumption being without a brother protecting her she will easily fall prey to members of the Vagina Lovers Association of Zimbabwe (VLAZ) who just want to use her for their own sexual benefit. I guess it places 'brothers' on a pedestal in some sense. Even from a very young age. So you find many brothers 'do not let their sisters date' until they are into their 20s (if at all). They take every opportunity to ruin any potential relationships at that. This is seen as upholding brotherly duties very well. Unfortunately, the theory misses the specifications of how tight this grip on sisters should be to remain healthy before becoming a damaging element. Thus leads me to an admission of guilt. I think generally as Zimbabwean men we have missed the plot.

Now I understand part of why many Zimbabwean women complain. Lately, or as I have grown older I have realised that madzimai edu complain a lot about us. Zvimwe tinoti it's just how women are and to an extent it is. However, there is that other bit... Where we embrace the fact that some of their concerns are actually very legit and if we just listened to them mbichana we could improve ourselves as men for them. Ladies, I hear you.


















Does it help to be the older brother who is so strict zvekuti when your sister needs a male perspective on life she dare not even ask you? Ndiko kuzoona some ladies become socially awkward when it comes to men because they were so shielded from men at a young age like any man who is not their daddy or brother will never measure up hence the need to just stay away from them altogether. I think there is something wrong with that. Paanozowana the freedom I dare say some essential ingredients are missing. And then you get the costly mistakes being made. Basic male - female interaction is a need for both genders to navigate the world zvakanaka esp as we grow older. It seems all hunky dory until much later on in life with irreparable damage. Word?

Does it help to be the husband that is so strict zvekuti mudzimai wako anototya kupfeka a pair of slacks because you are going to blow a fuse? Is it really necessary to validate us as 'men' and our role in society? Maybe it is? You tell me... but my belief is that the respect you send out is in sync with that you get back. I know one thing Zimbabwean men are wary of is women who take the opportunity yekujairira murume. I hear that but which methods work and which don't? Or are you simply with the wrong woman for your needs? Fear... respect... when do that lines become blurred?


The over protectiveness assumes a position that looks like our Zimbabwean women are incapable of making informed decisions when it comes to gender issues or any other significant ones only until they are deemed old enough by their immediate male environment. BULLSHIT.


Fear factor - In our culture have you noticed how father figures can tend to be feared to astronomical levels? I can't quite say I agree with it because I think what men really need to aim for is respect. When vamwe vedu grew up and saw the dad being feared and him being baba they looked up to that. They wanted to be that. No problem so far. It's only when you look deeper you realise the actual cost of aiming to be 'feared'. It normally comes at the cost of fostering the basic relationship with vana that encourages communication. Instead of kuzvitutumadza nokuti watyiwa shouldn't you be thrilled that you built a bond with your daughter zvekuti she can come and talk to you about most things. I might as well make it clear that I definitely do not agree with the notion yekuti parents and children should be 'friends' first. That child needs a parent, not a homie. In as much as a communication line should exist, it should not remove that invisible line.













Fear does not build relationships. It strips down the potential for them to blossom. And when you cannot carry a normal conversation with your sister but give yourself veto to intervene when she finds someone she likes is very selfish. You can't even sit down and talk. Her heart finds happiness and you cannot support that. If you treat your sister like that, uchazobata mudzimai wako sei? How then will you be as a man kana wava nemba yako where you have to build a relationship with your wife and eventually your daughter? This is when I consider that the great rift right now between Zimbabwean men and women is in part attributed to some of our outdated approaches as men. How can we make changes to benefit this relationship?

It might be a long shot on my part but ARE ZIMBABWEAN MEN WRONG?

Nobody can beat a man when it comes to stupidity. Sexual stupidity. Nobody. The potential yatinayo to do some of the most messed up things is our biggest downfall. Boys dzangu... WHY? Why does 'mupfanha wekuzasi' have veto over our sexual decisions amana? Memory lane.... let's walk. One thing I enjoy about being a Zimbabwean guy is we can laugh about relationship trauma of all sorts. Even if your boy brings up the one whose name will never be uttered ever again, you laugh. It's over. It's done.


















There are those girls we passed through. MaStop Over *le sigh* The girl you dated but would never admit kuvanhu. The really messed up thing about kara iyi is she most likely told the whole damn world when you 'dated' (I prefer the ambiguous term 'saw each other for a while'). Girl blabbered and blabbered to every other girl in the Zim circle. Worse if you were kind of using her as a rebound. Chances are you were a heavy upgrade for her and she was a major downgrade for you. At the time she was prolly the best easiest set of legs around. She ticked all the right boxes:-

✓ Not my type
✓ Desperately need to bust a nut
✓ My ex acham*ma
✓ Only option (right now)
✓ I might not be able to do better
✓ Mudzimu haupi kaviri
✓ Nzara yatonga















I am going to take a chance here and say just about every Zim guy I know has found himself daggering 'dating' a girl he has never actually liked or ever had hopes of liking... All in the name of makumbo. Makumbo... chii chinonzi makumbo? iMeans of transport.... from point A to point B. Our biggest friend. Our biggest enemy.

All is well when the sex is still good....

Then after a few weeks of daggeration you start thinking right....

Week 1 - sex was da bomb diggity! She seems kunge akazhangandira plus anenge anepamuromo though. Maybe it's just me. Muchinda anofanira kufamba nebhora

Week 2 - the first time was epic, it felt different. How come it's not happening like that again? Let's keep hitting it kusvika zvaita. Patience might reveal a good woman. But she let me hit it the first night... Am I sure?

Week 3 - this girl can be one annoying being. Sex is still good though.

Week 4 - She dresses a bit odd this one. Iko kuzvida, haa I might be able to pimp her up kana maZhet aita mnandi.... waiziva? maybe I rushed things but at least ndiri kuguta on all fronts. She can cook.

Week 5 - I think ndakaFryer beans, munhu handisi kumuFeela uyu. Hona kushata. Time time my ex was waaaaaaay better in bed. Damn... I miss my ex.

Week 6 - Ndoibuda sei iyi?




Weeks 7 - Week 12 are spent processing the imminent breakup. Unogaya kuti mu2 months idzi ndabuda mari, maface angu ndatomakanganwa etc and all for what nhai imi? Potential break up points for the timid man who will not admit to the girl that yafa yakaLoader:-

• 'Sudden' loss of communication


• Increasingly hectic schedule resulting in both parties being surprisingly 'busy'


• Any potential fight should be pursued and overstated until the point of 'I can't do this anymore'


• The overused but surprisingly effective 'You deserve better' - very good tactic this one. All ages, all relationship stages.


• The overused but not recommended 'Maybe we rushed this'

Remember how you had to give her every possible excuse to make her 'realise' that she might be better off single or with another guy? That way akakuramba your conscience is clean and you will never look like the bad guy? Your job being to make sure that her job is to break up with you wokwanisa kumupinda ne'I did all I could for her". Us men? A bunch of scaredy cats! We will avoid having to do the 'hard work' by all means necessary. Trust.

NYADZI DZINOKUNDA RUFU! As men tikapindwa nenyadzi dzemakumbo tinoshaya kuti tohwanda here? Totiza? Toita sei? Apo funga aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the people she went and told munhu azvinhongera muchinda. Kuti urambe it's not a good look. Kuti ubvume ah! Muchizevezeve uri kugaya kuti uri kusekwa zvisina akamboona. Nechemumwoyo uri kugaya kuti atokuBlockera even better makumbo. Inonetsa iyi. Veduwe-e let's learn from our mistakes because mamwe makumbo kungokanganisa maCV edu anga akazvinakira simply because tinoda zvinhu. Hakuna kwatinosvika nazvo izvi.





Chokwadi nyadzi dzinokunda rufu!

One of our blog followers dropped us an email and asked us to address the issue of ma Babyshower, BridalShower nema Kitchen party. It goes like so:

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"Hi Guys! Great blogs BTW. Just wanted you guys to blog about Kitchen Parties/Baby Shower (I am England btw) particularly as we approach summer. Reason being your blogs are very impactful you may sow some seeds of reformation amongst my sisters. Next week I am going to my friends bridal do, I refused to call it a kitchen party, just to help people with adjusting mindset. There will be no bedroom names and all that, people will have fun don't get me wrong, but I want my friend and other 'wives-to-be' and expectant mothers to be impacted by good advice not nonsense women are spewing these days...its disgusting.

Dee"
_______________________________________________________________________

























Now she asked us to give 'solid' advice as compared to that given at some of these events. However we want to unpack this issue and really ask: Do these events have an impact of the lives of the women who attend them or not? Also let's semi lift the veil of mystery around this - gents maiita lucky...

Now from as long ago as I can remember these events where seen as a rite of passage from singledom to marriage, to your first house and to motherhood but you had to be of a certain age to attend them and of a certain level of maturity. In essence hakusi kwepwere. I personally don't know who began with the idea but it's really a free for all forum and madzimai makuru who have been married for ages and have children would break it down for you i.e. what is expected of you mumba semukadzi in general and what is expected of you in the bedroom. The logic stands - you don't know what you don't know.

So in my age of maturity I have attended my fair share of these events and some I have helped organise. The truth is simple if you are not a very open minded woman these events will have you feeling very uncomfortable as there are no men, zvinongotaurwa sezvazviri. Women I believe see it as a place to have fun; hence they have fun and in every way possible.













Bedroom Names are a prerequisite (I strongly suggest that if you attend these events with your very close female relative you act like you have no idea what they are on about. Dee raised this issue of bedroom names and has classified it under disgusting. I don't blame her because some of the women make you feel like you are at an X-Rated club. However, in our culture kazhinji kacho most issues pertaining to sexuality and what happens is a marriage are not discussed openly.In fact once puberty hits semuskana the advice you are given and I believe most of us girls have received is 'Hameno hako ukatamba nevakomana unoiita nhumbu. Usati zvawatupudza wakura, life yako will be ruined.' Hence from the time you are a teenager (well in our time) you would see a boy and if he even mentions that he likes you unorova bani. The belief is by the time you make the transition, you are an innocent soul who knows nothing. Bedroom names are really a way of women saying behind closed doors in the bedroom I am a different person. Many will then explain why they have the names they have (this is usually a PG NO UNDER 21 section). Remember the tag line 'girls just wanna have fun'? Trust me hapana zera risingadi kufarawo.


Muzivi wenzira ndiye mufambiwayo. Most of the older women there have been there and done that and bought the t-shirt and burnt it. Most events see women giving each other advice and LOTS of advice. I think this is the fast track 'Tete Approach'. Reason being if you ask me I can't remember the last time me and tete vangu sat down and she gave me advice. If anything, most of us don't have that luxury as we are everywhere and anywhere on the globe. In most cases the older women don't want you to go in blind. I even second some of the advice e.g.


1. Bikira murume wako wega - You married him, this Miss Independent steez has to stop. Come on girl cook!

2. Rudo moto rwunokuchidzirwa - He fell in love with you yes but one you are in it doesn't mean you stop doing the things that made him love you. Chances are if you don't someone will.

3. Kwete kuswera ne mapulling socks musoro ne nightdress - Make the effort girl. Just because you have the ring it doesn't mean you look like a bag lady all day every day.

4. Hapana musha une machongwe maviri - So you got your degree and you are the C.E.O. kubasa kwako - lovely! That being said your husband is not your employee so when you get home Miss C.E.O. (as one woman said) huC.E.O. hwunoperera paghedhi, mumba wava Mai Nhingi.

5. Kwete kuwonza mwana wevanhu - Ladies tend to talk and yes NAG. We don't admit it but it's a weakness. Hanzi kutaura ngakuiite shoma madzimai, let him come home to a place of comfort not a battle zone.

6. Zvinoiitika mumba menyu hadzisi nyaya dzekuuwudza wese - What happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors, even the good stuff. Don't be telling vanhu 'My man is this or that.' Mangwana zvinokunetsa.

7. Hauna kubva kumba kwenyu nekuti wakavinga sadza pano - Ermm keep it real girl (at one baby shower the MC said) wakafambira bedroom shamwari. Ladies they don't pull punches, your Key Result Area is behind the doors of the bedroom .Hence give it your best performance. If you have no clue how to perform I suggest you make a plan.


Cultures differ and I have attended a Zambian bridal shower that left me quite speechless. The event is laced with respect and the bride sits in a place of listening attentively and cannot laugh or take everything as a joke. I was blown away by how different we may take the same events. So I do get where Dee is coming from when she calls some of these events disgusting. People are different and the tone of the event really depends on the people who organised it and the bride. Kana bride ari bhawa ranger expect zvemabhawa ranger. If the bride is sisi vekuchurch expect a very laid back event.


So is there a better way of doing a bridal shower or kitchen tea or baby shower? Hapana formula. Women come together to be honest and open, to talk about everything and anything pertaining to life as a woman. An openness of mind is required as you may be shocked down to your toe nail painted feet. I'm all for the school of thought that loves to LEARN, kudzidza hakuperi.

As for the guys well you will never be invited to these events, that in itself is the icing on the cake. Whether you see the benefits of your partner attending these events is really down to the question of how good a student is she.
Bottom line - Girls just want to have fun ....

*To Dee ... thank you for the topic but unfortunately no one at Team Kunakirwa is married and could give any solid advice. I tried asking them my dear, trust me it was very unfruitful.






























I thought up this blog post before a very interesting debate on Twitter that came from the question 'What do you value more: Kuroorwa or kutengerwa ring?' I can't say the number of ladies who put the ring first surprised me seeing as our generation generally is inclining more towards a western approach to just about everything these days. I mean no disrespect to anyone in this boat; I am a firm believer that we are the vessels of cultural blossom. It is up to us to uphold that. I don't want to debate the relevance of roora/lobola because I think it is a very strong aspect of our culture. Many young people do not know what roora/lobola means. They do not know why it is and was there to begin with. Some of our parents chaivo havazivi kuti roora inoitirwei. This is also why there is a very wrong perception for both men and women that roora/lobola means 'buying a wife/being bought'. This is the biggest and most pissing off misconception for me. I partly blame the inflated figures dzavako mazuvano that aim to put a 'value' pamunhukadzi. NO. Kutoresva ikoko. Kurasika chaiko. Many of us can admit that roora/lobola was never quite explained to us therefore hatizive what it is truly about. Before you run away with your thoughts and shun this part of our culture here is what it really is/should be:













The concept of roora/lobola did not quite begin with murume going to his potential in-laws nemunyai and paying whatever they asked. The first step was the commitment of love between the dude and his chick. How? Vaipanana nduma. Nduma was normally an article of clothing belonging to the other. So musikana would go kumba kwavo nenduma iyi as a sign yekuti avekuda kuroorwa. She did not have to say anything to her mother or family. They would know upon seeing this. Paizodaidzwa tete to find out more information. From there ndipo paizorongwa a date yekuroora where munyai began by visiting mhuri yemukadzi with the word of intention. Now what is roora/lobola about? Roora is the most significant symbolism in our culture in marrying 2 people. Firstly roora is seen an official marriage ceremony for the couple. Our equivalent to the white wedding if you wish with a few extras that give it more meaning. It is also a token of appreciation to the girls's father and family for raising a good woman. A mere 'thank you'. What was given to the girl's father? Badza. A hoe. So that he could use that in the fields to continue feeding his family with each harvest. A tool to multiply his wealth that was a sign of wishing the father-in-law well. Secondly he was given an article of clothing that he liked (normally a jacket). This was usually orchestrated by the tete who told the girl to tell the guy to bring it on the day. It was meant to raise the father-in-law's spirits as he took the bold step of allowing someone he does not know to take care of his daughter. Another thing was most fathers only found out about the roora/lobola ceremony on the day. This was kept a secret from him until the last possible minute. 3rdly mai vemukadzi would be given mombe. This was normally one or 2 cows. This was the biggest part of the material side of roora because the mother was given the honour of having been directly involved in raising this child every step of the way. Back then wealth was measured by how many cows one had. If you follow me up to now, there is not one point where roora/lobola was about putting a price on the girl. Lastly, roora/lobola was acknowledged as the joining together of 2 families through the lovebirds. In simple terms the man's family came bearing gifts because vanga vachizoenda kumba kwavo nemwana wevanhu. That means it was their way of kutenda. That is what roora/lobola is or at least the main aspects of it. Education.





The problem
Zvavakuitika mazuvano has deviated from the real roora/lobola by a country mile. Let's face it. Monetary values were introduced to accommodate the changing world. Money would make the ceremony standard to the moving times as it was now a common medium of exchange as opposed to barter trading as it were. So in essence the monetary equivalent of badza, jacket rababa, mombe dzamai are what should be considered now to keep in touch with what roora is all about. Nothing more, nothing less. Roora/lobola has evolved TOO MUCH in the wrong direction and in some cases becomes an enemy to an otherwise good union. In the factors that would contribute to answering 'why'... Some simple things are forgotten that have changed roora/lobola:





Fathers
All factors considered I am of the belief that many fathers dread the day their daughters get married (well I think I would). Not because they do not want to be happy for their daughters but it really dawns on them that life will change forever. In that regard they are hesitant to let go. When some Zimbos look at roora these days being valued by currency they think that it's the father who names his price. Wrong. Technically both families have a 'munyai' type character to conduct negotiations. This is someone who is well-versed with nyaya dzakadai. There are also be multiple negotiators and usually hama dzemukadzi dzechirume if not brothers to help with that. Fathers many times rarely have a real say in the amounts given but are the first port of call in offering a suggestion. The negotiator for the woman's side will be looking to get the most out of mukwasha. You know why? Because he benefits for doing so. He benefits financially. The woman is the star player. The negotiator is the agent. He gets a commission. Fathers get the blame. Kare munyai was simply a mediator between the families. Now he is seen as the financial agent for a 'transaction'. That said some fathers are also greedy. Fact.

Mothers
It is a well known fact that SOME mothers push their daughters to find a rich man who will 'take care of her'. In part a mother who does this helps build the stupid perception that mukadzi arikutengwa because what she wants is an ATM of a mukwasha. Love aside. Some men do pick up on this, guaranteed. So you find mai vakadaro actually pushes for a higher roora indirectly in the build up to the day mostly. Unonzwa 'Handina mwana anoendera sick money'. This is another female allowing her own daughter to be a valuation in figure terms many times in comparison with other women in the same circles. You would think they would advocate for a simple token of appreciated that they can attach sentimental value to knowing that there is true love between the new husband and wife. Daughters can also push the line because what she says about the guy is considered. If she says he is rich, there is a general consensus that he won't 'feel it' if milked a bit. After having highlighted this, men still get the total blame for why roora is no longer what it used to be. I see a problem with that, do you?

Dominance of western practice
How many of us have truly questioned the real deal behind roora/lobola practices? How many of us wanted to know? We normally just ask kuti 'Akaroora/roorwa marii?' It seems like a normal harmless question but it subconsciously grows in our minds that roora/lobola is about monetary value because that is all we associate with it. Commercialisation. PROBLEM.

I will also throw that in there kuti varume who think kuroora is buying a woman makasara zviri serious. Maths dzenyu dzine wrong result. Mukadzi haisi object. Roora is a beautiful element to our culture that stands for great significance in our marriages.

I think I have made my point.






























Much the avid reader that I am, I have been a reader since I was a ten and when I walked into a book shop and was about to pick up another Mills & Boon (no judging - these books are a gem) my eyes caught onto the book: 'The Reason Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dream Girl - A Woman's Guide To Holding Her Own In A Relationship' After blushing 20 shades I decided to put my Miss Independent swag on, grab the book and at least read the back. After two minutes my mind was made up and down went my Mills & Boon and out I walked with the greatest lesson I have come to learn. Men love B**itches.

Someone decided to save us from ourselves and has simply put it out there: Nice girls finish kumagumo kwe race, usually with a broken heart, hangover (because of the pity party wine) and a horrible attitude. The writer puts down 100 principles every woman must know and understand. Everything from sex to cuddling to the where are we going question. Of course 100 principles are too much for Miss D to post here so I chose my favourite 8 and some really are from hard lessons that even I have personally learnt.


















Now the term Bitch here does not mean hure or ratchet it simply describes the woman who doesn't give up her life for a man. Now for all my hopeless romantics trust me I was as shocked kuti ko forever after, me staring adoringly into his eyes and loving him till my eternal dying breath? Fair enough hanzi do that but be a big girl and realize that before you he had a life and now he needs to see that you can have your own. Now Miss D is not a pro feminist or whatever you call them I'm all for learning - kudzidza hakuperi.

* The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear - The bitch shows that she's not afraid to be without him - I am a nice girl. I will bake cookies for you even because I am just that nice. Now in the past I have seen women, you know strong confident go-getters literally break down the moment her man starts acting shady. Now ladies we all know that shady period, when you are confused kuti ko muface ndeipi iyi? Anenge achingoiita act funny. Most of us (me included) begin to believe kuti pana Mainini and our first approach is to smother him. Yes we call, sms, bbm, tweet and literally suffocate the poor man when all he probably needs is *DRUM ROLL* SPACE. Our over active imagination sends us crying and declaring kuti ane mumwe. Hanzi na author take a chill pill and let the dude be. If anything give him that space and show him kuti you can do the space thing without falling apart. You become and asset.

* Grow a pair of balls - How is this even possible? This is the woman who can sit up and say, "Hold up honey I will catch a grenade for you but I won't say yes for the fun of it." Hanzi be the woman that has him respecting the fight in you. Askana there is more to life that a Virgin Remy hair piece and a pair of Jimmy Choos. The dude must sit down and ask you about your dreams and future and leave inspired. Fact is mabhebhi takawanda: yellow bone, chocolate skin, super models tiri jahwi (Miss D included), we all women. What makes a man say I won't let this one go? The day he realizes you are more than just pussy. Be more mhan iwe! Gone are the days a man put a ring on it because you got a cute face and can work it in bed. Check JayZ na Beyonce, sister goes hard and dude stands back and says: Yeah varume that is all mine! Ask my brothers kana Mr K they would all like Beyonce type of woman, who goes hard, makes her own and keeps it all together.Get your man kuti adade newe.

* If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else - How many times (be honest) have you watched him bump and grind on another chick and still declared him yours? Found a text from another girl and believed every lie uchiziva kuti wakwidzwa ndege yemashanga kuchinaya? Or begged him to stay akuudza kuti you are not good enough? I see those dropped eyes. Yes ladies we've been there done that bought the t-shirt and burnt it BUT some of y'all are still doing it? WHY????? Simple rule madzimai your dignity is like your character and virginity once it is gone zvaenda. Ukabvuma kuitwa village bicycle uri 19 trust me at 30 we will still call you a hoe. No man deserves to take your dignity, kuita party newe tese takatarisa. You draw the line on what you accept and don't. No relationship is ever worth it, chero akakutengera ndege walk away.

* Before sex, a man isn't thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn't - We all know this is true. Before people jump into bed together any woman is talking about what she needs, what she wants and what she won't compromise. After sex she's on how she will never ever ever find another like him. Whereas with a man he's like hmmmm ok saka what else is left. This is where tables turn and like a brand new toy truck that has been played with you are tossed aside while he waits for a new one. The author says it simply, the girl who is moved by sex but still has her feet on the ground is worth the keeping. Sex is like the Hiroshima bomb for women it clouds our judgment and has us on a trip believing dude can never do wrong. Askana Sleeping Beauty nap time is over! Be moved yes (heaven and earth even ) but don't become an idiot once that 15 minutes that appeared like an hour in your head is over. Yes honey it was JUST 15 minutes.

















* He'll let a woman, who becomes his doormat pay for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he wouldn't think of it with his dream girl - I know of women who take care of their men and it's not a bad thing. Now there are women who pay for everything: rent, car installments, clothing bills the works. The bitch will never ever pay for a bill unless there is a reasonable excuse and "I left my wallet" is not an excuse. Ladies let a man be a man. Let him pay for dinner or movies and if you do pay a real man gives you back your money with a little extra just to say thank you, you got my back. If you have been paying and paying I can only say Andoyiwa haatauri. You are his cash cow.

* The token power position is for public display, but the true power position is for private viewing only. And this is the only one that matters - I've seen some women who like being 'paraded' you know that being shown off experience. When you are groped, body parts grabbed and statement kissed in front of a crowd of people all in the name of man staking his claim over you. Kinda like the animals that pee on a certain area to mark territory. Now some women LOVE this because they think he isn't afraid to show me off BUT when you are semi-abused for public pleasure ermmmm I am worried for you. A woman who sits on the throne and knows who he calls 'his woman' does not require to be labeled paruzhinji aiwa this woman knows who runs it. If you don't receive your private power moment you clearly are not the Queen.

* Don't give a reward for bad behavior - Some men do the most stupid things. He kissed another girl and you are on your back giving it up to show him kuti ndiwe une yese. Kwana! Bad behavior whether with a child or murume mukuru must never be rewarded because once you do, you will be doing it till the bitter end. A bitch simply fixes her man or walks away. It's about how invested you are in a relationship. By fixing I don't mean kunyima it means you sit him down and talk and come to a conclusion. Giving it up will not fix your problems. Mwana atadza ngarohwe, neshamhu. If he can't take the heat kick him to the curb.

* When a man views a woman as a 'little girl' or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn't want to make love to his sister - I've been around women who believe if a man loves me he HAS to look after me. This includes paying your cell phone contract, paying your rent, getting your hair done, buying you shoes and groceries etc etc. Hold up, dude wanted a chick not a child or sister. Kana wada kurerwa I will assume ma sugar daddy are plenty. Men are tired of these 'helpless princesses' who need to be saved. He needs to know that he has an equal partner who won't fall apart just because she broke a nail. I have a theory what you demand make sure you are equally able to give. Usangogara uri 'Baby if it isn't too much of a hassle can I have........?' Be a woman kana kusvika pa point he asks you kuti why don't you ever ask me for anything? You are simply saying in your actions, 'Kukudai ndokudai but really I got this and I'm not with you for what you can financially give me.' That being said don't become a cash cow.

So after I read the book I came to this conclusion: the problems we go through as chicks 9 times out of 10 there is a book which recycles everything over and over again. So am I dead set on becoming a 'bitch'? Not in the least but I am dead set on becoming the one he can proudly take kuna amai vake even if it means I have my occasional 'bitch' moments.

Like I always say akuruma nzeve - cares a great deal about and my brothers na Mr K ndibvunzewo, do y'all really love bitches?

Till next time

I was engaging in a very enlightening conversation with Miss D today about how generally as people we don't want our siblings, cousins or youngn's we care about to go through the crap we did when it came to dating. No broken hearts, no tears, no regrets. Just a good and healthy journey to finding 'The One'. You know when you don't want your little brother to ever date a ratchet because....... they are a ratchet? Or your young sister to date a player because he is..... a confirmed heartbreaker? Uuuuummmm so Houston we have a problem (pun not intended). Unfortunately, as great as it would be hazvisi practical. When it comes to dating I am of the firm belief that if you do not date or have hardly dated at all you will struggle to cement a good solid relationship when it matters most. At one point in time most people reach a point where they realise that it would be very nice to actually have someone to share life with. Getting to that stage is quite a trip for most normal beings like I. One word. Experience. This is non-sexual. Thank you. Dating experience inokubatsira to navigate your way to finding a relationship that fulfills you beyond the surface. Looking back I honestly would love to erase a few exs from my relationship CV. Kutora rubber ndodzima twese twumaCharacter twakandinetsa and act like nothing ever happened. The list stretches as far back as I can remember. bitterness.co.zw. Waiziva? Despite that they all played a part in making Mr K the man he is today. The good, the bad and the ugly times all count.



















With that said, instead of saying 'To hell with my exs' I want to thank every single ratchet and half-decent and decent and great girl that I have dated. Vakandibatira paSide sePaper bag nevandakatadzira. Without you I surely would be a dumb-ass and very clueless individual relationship-wise. I clearly and obviously do not know it all nor do I think I do but of what I know each one of you had a part in it whether you realise this or you don't. Whether you care or you would love it if I get hit by a bus as soon as the Lord allows. It's cool. In much the same light, while you read this and think of that bastard who you dated akatamba maUps nemwoyo wako, he played his part in your life. If you ended up becoming a BBW (Bitter Black Woman), I'm sorry he ended up winning to that extent. If you took your lessons and moved on, good for you. Can't be letting a loser stamp his authority in YOUR life can we? Each and every ex you have is an important mark in your timeline (BTW I hate that Facebook Timeline thingy mabob). Every ex is at least a lesson. Every ex is a building block. Every ex comes with a reason. Hate them or love them.
















Now that we have the civil part out the way. Fellas, ndeipi? Regai ndimbokurumai nzeve katwat. When my son grows up to be his own man, there are things I WILL NOT shield him from experiencing when it comes to dating women. For one I would not want him to grow up akapusa and be the stupid guy every ratchet used. I particularly recommend dating a ratchet and a golddigger especially when you are young and know no better. This is essential (but akabata nhumbu wakuvara bhururu saka tamba wakachenjera). Every man needs to date one of these or both while young enough to ensure that he will never fall for that trap later on in life, kukanda paKitchen in mind. In exceptional circumstances you could find yourself with a 2 in 1. Exciting times my brother! By the time you hit 24/25 as a man you should be able to separate the BS from the real deal. If you can't ndimi type dzicharoora the girls the rest of us are tryna avoid. I can't speak for women though coz apparently dudes with a colourful sexual history seem to be high up the food chain. Nice. Back to the gwan, men generally have a uniform code when it comes to certain things. Eg Marriage - the last woman any man wants to end up with is a ratchet (reformed or other). And to all the women who are about to come through with the 'Asi imi varume hamudi mahure yet you sleep around' argument..... please kindly take it up with Miss D, you can go on and have your little feminine pity parties bashing dudes who do not give 2 f***s about you instead of concentrating on the good men who actually make an effort with you while upholding a fair moral code. Your choice. Everyone has a past. We all have a future. We are all different and therefore if your partners' past does not matter to you? Dope! If it does then you need to have your BS meter working just in case someone is taking you for a trip. This is why you need to date them types prior to any real serious ish going down in your life. Wouldn't you like to know who you are REALLY falling for? I would. Especially if marriage is a possibility. And the hell it matters to me if she got dicked down by 12 dudes thus far and she is still only a 'sweet' 22. This is why I am thanking my exs. You saved me. You strengthened me. Makandingwadza.


















KaTimeline kangu with some lessons learnt over the years ----->

@ 15 - I experienced the first girl who played me. My first 'heartbreak' or should I say my first ratchet. I learnt that people can tell you the sweetest things ever and still go on to pass on the love kunge zangata. She also went on to date my best buddy. Right.

@ 18 - Did my bit in 2 timing some chicks and to a regrettable end. I really thought I was superman. Taught me never to play games with chicks who have older brothers famed for kumamisa vanhu. Big mistake.

@ 19 - My second 'heartbreak'. A 'church' girl who was going out with me and vamwe 'brother' vekuchurch kwavo. Sometimes church is only a front, a very worthy lesson to this day.

@ 19 - The golddigger. Chicken Inn. Pizza Inn. Creamy Inn. Nandos. Movies. Kuba mota. Presents. Borrowing money. I was a very very stupid 19 year old. Nice guys finish last.

@ 21 - My third 'heartbreak'. Another 'church' girl. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. This one also came with the lesson on LDRs (Long distance relationships). Those things are not at all easy and need a concerted effort + maturity to even amount to anything.

@ 23 - The girl with the hot temper. Beauty alone is not enough. This is when I began to realise that there is a character beyond looks and compatibility is an essential. I also learnt my list of zero tolerance traits. Sexiness cannot cover up for other gaps. I also learnt that vamwe vanhu can lie through their teeth to enhance their own position at your expense even in 'love'.

I will end there. I'm sure you get the point. At the time it seemed like my life was headed for a downward spiral. Now I look back and I have to admit that without going through it, I would be easily swayed by 'I love yous' and the lot. Learn your lessons and move on to better things. If you are boo'd up and happy chances are you applied lessons from the past in order to make your present what it is. Your past has a very solid say in your now.

Exs. Drama aside, you guys are wonderful. I needed you. Kurauone.



























If you are in a relationship, how comfortable are you with your partner having very close friends of the opposite sex? When I say 'close' I mean that person comes to visit your partner at home uripo/usipo, they can spend a couple hours on the phone every other day or so catching up, meet up for lunch once or twice a week, attend basketball matches together, when you have a misunderstanding that friend is your partner's 'go to' person, going for movies together etc. Yes, those kinds of close friends. I am not going to discuss the issue of platonic friendships being possible. Non-issue. We all have those. However, it's the potential blossoming of these friendships into more than they are meant to be that I am more concerned with. The lines that should never be crossed. The boundaries of friendship that, if broken, dzinokwanisa kukanganisa good relationships.



























3 most dangerous things involving platonic friendships that are a threat to your current relationship:

1. Time Spent Together
This is the No. 1 enemy to a relationship that witnesses a platonic friend in the picture. The time your partner spends with that friend is a determining factor to your own relationship. Yes. It. Is. I witnessed a movie-worthy situation where this guy and this lady worked together, both married. Naturally, as time progressed, they became more familiar with each other and began spending time outside work (first mistake). It started with the occasional footie game since their partners were sometimes busy, then catching lunch together and so forth. In that regard, they even became friends with each other's partners to enhance transparency of their actions. Slowly but surely they also started to confide in each other about their families, partners and relationships (2nd mistake). Fast forward 6 or so months, their friendship went beyond the boundaries after that 1 moment where their eyes locked and we can all guess how that ended (3rd mistake). Eventually, they also ruined their marriages (Biggest mistake). I am pretty sure they did not plan the outcome nor want it per se but the actions pertaining to their friendship facilitated it. I believe it was avoidable. One thing to note about some people in relationships is a tendency to defend their opposite sex friendships vigorously with the 'I have known him/her for a long time' sorta lines. That may be true but when does that friendship go beyond being healthy for your current relationship? When does it get in the way of the development you and your partner deserve? Consider that.

2. Over-trusting
I know a few women vakatorerwa varume neshamwari dzavo. I know quite a number of guys vakararirwa madzimai avo neshamwari dzavo. One sure cause is the element of over-trusting both your partner and your friend. It is great kuti your relationship has the support of both sets of friends. It means a lot to us when that happens because those closest to us validate our choice. There are some situations that you might like to avoid when considering your relationship though. Examples include allowing friends to drop by your house any time especially iwewe the original friend usipo just to visit, inviting your friend to what was supposedly QT for 2 since your partner is 'ok with it' or asking for a favour yekuti shamwari yako inotora partner yako from work or something kunyanya pane option yekuti partner yako itore cab, bhazi kana kombi. Some friends get TOO CLOSE for comfort. Zvimwe zvinhu simply need to be avoided. You cannot open up EVERYTHING about your relationship including munhu wako to someone you deem a friend because they are. Shamwari dzinokwanisa kuchiva zvaunazvo. They are human also. I personally DO NOT want close relationships with my woman's friends. I can have their numbers just in case I truly need them but beyond that I do not use those numbers more than 3 times a year. All occasions considered. I prefer to meet them my partner aripo and conclude there. Over-trusting is a biological disorder. Be careful.












3. Best Friends Of The Opposite Sex.
If you are a 19 year old girl and your best friend is a guy because 'women have too much drama and I am more comfortable with guys', that's okay. You are excused. If you are 28 and are still on that mantra you are not excused. My question is this: if that person is so close to you zvekuita best friend yako chauri kuda kudanana nemumwe murume chii? Kwandiri it's like having 2 boyfriends; one for the emotional fulfillment anonyatsoziva mwoyo wako (best friend) and one for the physical, social status fulfillment and the rest (boyfriend). How then will your partner grow into your emotional space if some other person is already sorting that out for them? Please be sensitive to your partner veduwee. If you do not believe that the one person from the opposite sex can tend to your emotional and physical needs, then think twice about involving yourself in a relationship. Munhu waunochata naye should eventually become your best friend of the opposite sex because your bond exists without any hindrance from the next ninja who wanted to tap your girl but failed and settled for the most threatening role to every dude she dates from thereon. I find the misconception is that your partner should fit into your existing model of life without any gwans. Really? Not. Such friendships should be able to take a backseat in respect of a relationship and especially in marriage. A lot of things change on both sides to accommodate a relationship. No other way.

Any Zim dude who says he is cool with his woman having a best friend who is another dude is A LIAR or he never cared about the chick enough to be concerned thus running his own side game or anotya to say the truth because he doesn't want to seem imposing or insecure.

The problem I have with platonic friendships is not that genuine ones are not possible, because they are, but rather the potential attraction that lurks in the background be it one or 2-sided. Thereafter, the subsequent handling of that attraction.

Women can be better and more genuine friends to men than men can be to women. That is straight up. What is innocent to women is often not so innocent to men. I can speak for a fair few dudes out there when I say our acceptance of the Friend Zone is not because we are okay with that arrangement, but we see it as the best way to get on your good side with the view to graduating into your lover since you clearly can't see those qualities in us right now. That is why men you date hesitantly embrace your male friends because tinozivana. Women can be extremely naive sometimes. There is a belief that putting dude in the Friend Zone means that he will inadvertently 'handle' the prior feelings he had before you told him that 1 + 1 = It Can't. That 'Now that we are friends there is no way he can think of making a move on me' type thinking. No. YOU see him as a brother/friend. He doesn't. The fact that the dude has accepted your proposal is an attempt to temporarily subdue his feelings to prove his worth as a potential lover by being a good friend to you. Women do not get this. Men can keep close friendships for years but absolutely dying inside to tap dat ass. #RealTalk. You see, what guys should be doing instead is saying 'Look, if I can't get to dagger that sweet ass of yours I am better off not accumulating hurt by being your homie and having to endure your stories about guys you like or guys who treat you like kak. So i'm trunkin up my deuces and saying Michael Jackson (This Is It).' Then we never look back again. We feel like that is a bitch move yet staying in the Friend Zone is the bitch move.

So when a woman says 'We are just friends' I can believe it more than when a guy says it. I, for one, can tell you that some of the best platonic friendships I had involved ugly women that I genuinely would NEVER even consider hooking up with even if I had 24 hours to live. So when I did anything for them, you knew it was for real and I wasn't thinking 'The day I get to smash that item achati baba nemuridzo.'























In the past couple of years I have come across some very disturbing issues concerning domestic violence situations leading to murder. The story that led me to write this is the latest one about a young 26 YO lady who was found stuffed in a suitcase in Ireland. In case you did not manage to read the story ---------- >
UK Murder Hunt Over Body In Bag
I cannot begin to imagine how people who know someone who has sadly left us in such a violent manner feel but I know how painful it is to lose someone so unexpectedly.

Now, there are quite a few other stories to this effect and because of that, it just becomes more disturbing. Of all the stories I also came across there was a common denominator of the dead victim being a Zimbabwean woman. In most cases young as well (early 20s - 30s). The part that I really hate, many having Zimbabwean men commit such shameful acts. I do not have a ready analogy which tackles why these bad things are happening within the Zimbabwean community in the diaspora but it needs our attention. I do not want to target Zimbabwean men because haasi maitiro edu but rather pfungwa dzemunhu dzakaipa. Every country has it's own. But in as much as that is the case, the prevalence of such cases means that I cannot in good conscience ignore. I have a strong passion for Zimbabweans so i believe as Zimbabwean men we can do something about our conduct towards women in general. How many times do we know of friends or family who were/are in abusive relationships? How many times do we do something about it? I can understand that nyaya dzevanhu 2 dzinonetsa kupindira and for sure there is that fine line between being nosy and saving a life or someone's happiness. In that sense how do you know when to step in? Many times the person abused might even go back kwazviri countless times till vanhu vazvisiya. Outsiders can only do so much. So I'm doing what I can in this small way.


















To all the fellas out there, as one of yours... if you are in such a relationship, whether you are the one who is laying hands on her or she is doing that to you, let me halla at you right quick. WE NEED TO STEP UP AND BE MEN IN ACTION, NOT BY TITLE. How many more Zimbabwean sisters are we going to lose amana before we can confront the various issues? I think the platform is there kuti tibatsirane. I was discussing this issue with some friends and one thing we agreed on is that of most men we knew and even among each other at some point in our lives either came very close to hitting a woman or crossed the line and did so. Maybe an open discussion about this will help us all to respect, love and adore the women that we are dating/engaged/married to. Maybe we can learn to love and respect ourselves first as Zimbabwean men then afford an even greater gesture to the beautiful women in our lives.

Communication
As men we generally do not share much of our lives even with each other as friends. That unfortunately means that we sweep a lot of things under the carpet. Concerning our partners, we can be afraid to lean on them because we feel as if our women will judge us for being 'weak'. In as much as we were taught by vana baba vedu kuti murume should always be strong enough for his family, we should not forget kuti that family or most importantly the woman you are with is there for more than sex and happy times. She is there to support you. A good woman chero ukachema pamberi pake will not see you as a weak man but one who loves her enough to show his vulnerable side. You bond through that. You both win. Do not take out stress on your woman, learn to share the load instead. You will find kuti your respect for her also grows as she helps you through. If your talking relationship still needs work with your woman, find a friend or 2 to share your deepest thoughts with. It really helps to offload. More times than not unozoona kuti maybe nyaya yacho is not as bad as you initially thought or you get great advice ichakubatsirawo or even relationship yako. In that regard always know the type of friends you have, don't seek advice from a fool. We also need to advise mafesi edu who might be violent to their women and do whatever we can to make them stop. Kubatsirana.

Diaspora stress
Out here zvinhu zvakaoma amana. Mari kashoma kuti inyatsoita balance. Maybe you are still going to school. Pamwe uri kuchengeta vamwe kumba kuZimbabwe when you can hardly take care of yourself out here. All this adds up. This ties in with the point on Communication. Vakawanda vedu are now using madzimai edu as the punching bags and stress balls of our lives. For most cases, that woman to be there is because she loves you. Sometimes out here we become so engrossed in 'sorting out life' financially we forget to love our wives emotionally and physically. There was never and there will never ever be an excuse to take out whatever issues are in your life on your lady. Ukamukoshesa zvakaipei? As Zimbabwean men, some of us have to learn how to handle this stress. A huge problem is our reliance on alcohol and other substances as 'stress relievers'. It's most likely not the answer you seek. Tinoenda kumabhawa, we have fun as boys, we talk about football etc but at the end of the day you go home alone to your woman. Just because she does not down a 6 pack with you does not mean that she does not want to see you happy. Learn to de-stress with her as well. Go kuBeach, if she suggests a road trip say yes to that suggestions and unwind. Don't save all your energy to punch her face in. Zvanyanya varume, chokwadi tingazonyadzisa kusvika ipapo? We are out here alone, hatina vakuru vanotitsiura asi ngatizvibate enough to do what is right not what is harmful.


















Kuchaya mapoto/Cohabitation
I am quite against this. I believe it is one of the major reasons why there are a lot of domestic violence cases among young Zimbabweans in the diaspora. We find ourselves living with girlfriends we hardly know. How many of us men who started living nemusikana without the slightest idea how big a change it was? Letting someone share your space is much harder than it sounds. Conflict will arise at some point and it will test you both maCharacters enyu. In the cases I know, kuzoona vanhu varovana... there was kuchaya mapoto involved. The transition from your own space to living nemunhu inoda serious maturity and also being ready for it financially among other things. So now we are finding kuti as Zimbos besides the everyday stress of being far away from home, we are now adding on to the issues via moving in together too quickly. How do you handle the arguments? How do you handle the finances? How do you handle moods? You will definitely fight over something. I know kunyanya the dudes, we get into this because we look at the benefits like the sex, kubikirwa, kuwachirwa or whatever but the cost of this move could lead to a sad scenario where domestic violence can become the order of the day. Problem being it just gets worse and worse. The biggest excuse is always about moving in together to save money. I think it's better utambure hako uchigara kwako wega. Honestly.

Choices
Munhu wauinaye is YOUR choice. Whoever you are with, you should be able to say that and embrace those words. If you find that you no longer love that person, please let go. It might hurt them and even hurt you but the worst relationships are those where people are together because they do not think there is anywhere else to go or to at least have someone to call theirs. If you are in an abusive relationship, it's time to leave. That is YOUR choice. I know varume we can be afraid to leave too. We do not want to seem like wimps who run when the going gets tough. The hell I was in such a situation despite numerous efforts from hama neshamwari to get me out of there. Each time I tried, something held me back. Up to this day that is my most regrettable relationship because I feel like I wasted my time, money and ambition on NOTHING. The problem with staying pakadaro is you build resentment. That resentment can be bigger than your moral code and even for 25 seconds, your respect for women can be the last thing on your mind while you slap her or punch her or whatever. The worst part is nhasi it's a slap across the face, mangwana ibhutsu mudumbu kuswera kwacho a glass mumusoro etc etc. Let's make informed choices vamwe vangu.














Partners
The world dictates that in a domestic violence situation the man is in the wrong. Firstly, that means that the system is against you as a man zvisinei kuti mviro mviro dzakaita kuti musvike ipapo ndedzipi. Given that, logic should scare you enough to know kuti it will never end well for you. Choose your partner wisely. Always assess munhu wako as you go. SOME WOMEN ABUSE THEIR MEN. If you find that she can press your buttons to the point of anger like you have never experienced before, she is not the partner you want to have a long term with. When you argue or have a misunderstanding if you find yourself always feeling 'defeated', you might be playing with fire. After an argument, no one should walk away a victor except your relationship. Your relationship should win, not one person. If she is a provocative type who does things to get a reaction out of you, it's time to let that drama go. Some women know exactly what they are doing knowing that you will react. It is a trap that you do not have to fall for. Some people love to provoke then play the victim in the end kukupfidzisa and gain an upper hand in the relationship through making you feel guilty. Manipulative behaviour. WATCH OUT! If you respect her and she treats you like a 3 year old and you do not like it, don't stay with her thinking one day she will miraculously change. Have the balls to be alone than to stay in a bad relationship and come out worse than you have ever been. If she hits you or beats you up - LEAVE!!! Don't ever hang around kuti uite boxen naye. Again, no matter how the story unfolds, if you lay your hands on her YOU as the man have no defence. Avoid that by finding the right partner for you.

My brothers, zviri kuitika mazuvano izvi dai zvachimira. No one will stand by such shameful acts. We can do better for ourselves and also for every Zimbabwean woman out there. Know when it's time to leave. Do not hang around to abuse someone or be abused, that is not love. Zvekuurayana pachedu as Zimbabweans HAS TO STOP. Let's wake up! Let's uphold and respect each other.

R.I.P to the ones we have needlessly lost through domestic violence and i pray for every affected family to find strength and peace.

















Like most people I am a lover of things - loosely translated ndoda zvinhu. When a good friend of mine told me about Twitter and how it was the latest craze of course I had to jump onto that band wagon. I mean I'm Miss D and I have to be everywhere that counts. Like most social networks Twitter opened me up to the most amazing people and learning about the world in 140 characters. I mean what more would a busy 'daije' (another word I learnt on Twitter) like me not love about it. A year and a half later LORD help me I can't stand it! From being an informative space it has turned into a cyber-bullying, porn, thirst haven. Twitter officially sucks!! Unfortunately as much as I am all for patriotism my fellow country men and women are the root and cause for my impending divorce with Twitter.













Twitter which was meant to be a meet and greet has turned into the den of cyber bullies. Grown men and women ganging up on people who 'chope' or put up an avatar that doesn't pass their standard of appreciation. I was quite shocked that Zimbos or '#Twimbos' as they are known on Twitter partake in this embarrassing display of 'power' by right of how many followers they have. It's as if small camps and gangs have evolved and to see educated and so called learned young people bully a person into leaving Twitter or closing their account leaves me baffled. Let's get it straight, baba vako does not own Twitter uyezve we don't pay rent for tweeting. Tikwanirei mutikurire! Feeling all smug when you are no better than a playground bully - do better. Yes, Miss D is calling you out - KURA!


I get that tweeting is addictive trust me I was once an addict myself but as I have mentioned before in previous posts, stop acting like you are paid to tweet. We wake up and we sleep and all you do is tweet. Aiwa ka, what time do you work or go to school or make a living? It's quite scary that some do not have much to do but tweet, I worry about you. Do you have more than an online persona? Recently while applying for a job I was asked for my Twitter account, now I was quite horrified as I tried to mentally back track to what I had tweeted. Most companies now are keen to see what kind of person you are. Heads up, zvimwe zvamunoiita will cost you dearly in the end.

In recent weeks Twitter might as well pass for a porn site. Tatenda askana nema semi-nude and nude pictures of yourselves. We are very grateful to see that you have developed fully in all areas. Apparently the quickest way to get followers is to strip down and don't be shy about it. Trust me dear girl you have degraded yourself to the lowest level possible and no we are not haters, we simply realize that in 4 years I don't want my name goggled and all you find is a pair of my titties. Ask yourselves, why don't guys strip down as well?

I get it, we all have drama in our lives and some of us more than most. Now to tweet every drama filled moment of your life starts off as entertaining then boring then yes we judge you as an idiot. How much drama can you possibly attract in one life time? From cheating partners, to semi drunk stunts to girls sending nude pictures of themselves to guys in relationships. We have seen it tweeted and read it all. A tip for the ladies, sorry fellas, that picture you send to him in the DM trust me we eventually see it. What happens in the DM does not stay in the DM. Enough with the dirty laundry - as one guy said, 'Ndo behaviour yemadzimai epamusika.'
















Now in my ignorance I thought we were done with clicks and groups in high school. That whole we belong to this click era. Unfortunately, Twitter brought it all back. You have an interesting demographic of Zimbos on Twitter. You have:

MASALAD - they don't speak or tweet in Shona/Ndebele because they have been away from Zim for about 5 years so they feel London /Melbourne /Texas is home. I have one word for you - GERRAWAY!

THE THIRST PACK - they lust over everything and anything that tweets. Zvimwe zvozonyadzisa and time time it's the reason no one will date you. My advice to you is buy a blow up doll and drink Sprite.

GROWN-UPS - this is my favourite group. They are adults and solid and panoiita mvongapopoto they are nowhere to be seen, they have come to realize that character and integrity are fragile and should be protected.

ENTREPRENUERS - they live for business and work hard - they are worth following and make you get up and do more with your life. Last but not least you have the

GROUPIES - these people fascinate me. They live to sing the praises of another person daily. They retweet everything the person says and they are the ones that change their avatars once they want to show their full support. This group is largely female and I usually have the image of a harem of women running around to please the 'king'. Stalker tendencies.

We are very thankful for your parents that sent you to school BUT BEING A CHOPE SPOTTER IS NOT A CAREER CHOICE THEY INTENDED FOR YOU. Please produce your 'O' and 'A' Level certificate that has given you the right to rein terror over timelines? Self-appointed gurus usually do not last, hence can we stop adding ourselves onto the food chain of life with this self-given title. So long as I don't pay rent to you for tweeting iwe ndisiye ndinyore chirungu changu chaka bender.

My pet peeve on Twitter is over used and abused acronyms. Lately it has been #YOLO. Fair and fine it makes sense but once you condomise a word it loses all meaning and coherence. Can we stop abusing words?


After all is said and done Miss D cannot tell you what to tweet or not tweet but kukura kunodiwa in life. Stop acting like a teenager. The very sad fact is most of these 'tweet famous' people are quite boring in 'real life'. Upon trying to engage with them in an adult conversation, they come across as shallow and quite clueless about a lot of things. Live your life online if you must but like Hi5, this here Twitter shall also come to an end. Some of you should realize how fragile character and integrity is - it's like pregnancy it can be seen before you speak. Love it or not you represent a part of Zimbabwe and if you are going to act like kunge wakarairwa bhazi rakusimuka sha drop the Zimbo tag next to your name. Taneta nekuiita come up with excuses for you.

That being said #YOLO.

My tolerance levels are low. Extremely low. I am fussy so you can imagine little things get to me. That comes with a lot of peeves that I have to work around so that my life is lived at its optimum pH. Every human needs to learn adaptability to suit their lifestyle IMO. I do. These things urk me, no lie:












1. Showing up at your door unannounced - I'm sure many of us have fallen victim to the 'Uri kupi?' phone call. The moment you say 'Ndiri paDen' zvonzi 'I'm outside.' Or 'I will be there in 5 minutes.' You know what though? Me I was chilling by my spot comfortable like royalty doing what I REALLY WANT TO DO WITH MY TIME and the fact that you rocked up from nowhere means that I have to shift gears, entertain your ass and deviate from whatever original plan I had. I HATE THAT. I like to entertain people on my own level when I am properly prepared for them. That way you know I am genuinely happy to see you.

My recommended fix - Unless you are 100% sure of who you are dealing with, all meetings or hanging out shall be conducted on neutral ground. Protect your personal space with your life. It's the only sanctuary you have from this crazy world when it's time to retreat after a long day or week.








2. Calling at inappropriate hours - I understand that I am in the diaspora and you are in Zim, that's fine. You might be in a different time zone than I am. But dzimwe nguva vanhu ngavanzwisisewo amana. Ungazondifonera na4am kuti zvidii? Pedzezvo ndikasapindura wondishaudha when you do get hold of me. My first year or so here I used to attend to every 1am - 6am phone call, now I know better. I value my sleep and I struggle to get a proper night's rest without the phone regardless.

My permanent fix - At ungodly hours my phone is always on silent. If it's important siya voicemail, if not wozondibata kumberi shamwari otherwise I am more than happy to call you back.















3. Ruzivo too much - we are hardly friends or if we are related it's not even major but you are the person who wants to probe me more than immigration officials. I'm not in your presence to be asked every question under the sun and I absolutely detest people who cannot realise the boundary of information. Many a time they aren't even asking because they merely want to know, varikutsvaka kufeya feya and hopefully find some ammo in there. Have you ever had your FB relationship status scrutinized?

Are you married or single?

Married = How long?

Single = Why munhu akaiita sewe?

Single = Should I hook you up?

Married = Are you happy? We should get together...

My quick fix - divert attention... and I have become a master at this, I put you in a position where the focus shifts to you. While you feel important, I dodge the gwan. Those who know me know that if I do not want to answer a question... I WILL NOT.

4. The assumption that we enjoy the same things - Contrary to instant assumption... I do not like going kubhawa. I do not drink. I do not smoke. I feel extremely uncomfortable staying for long periods at other people's houses. I do not like to spend the day doing up and down missions visiting every known Zimbo address in the area. I hate American music. I rarely attend parties or any such gatherings unless it's absolutely necessary. I hate mazondo too but sadza ndorida. I just hate how people assume because I am a young Zimbabwean man I automatically fit the stereotype. Wanga wambondiziva here?

5. Miraculously losing the ability to speak Ndebele or Shona - This can be muZimbabwe macho or the diaspora culprits. In Zimbabwe, always speaking English kutaridza 'class'. How on earth do you fake kutadza kutaura chivanhu because you think English inobiggika? You have spent 2 years in England and 'you don't hang around Zimbabweans a lot'. GTFOH! I really hate it when people downgrade things that make us Zimbo out of bullsh*t mentalities that glorify all else non-Zimbo. Tibvirei apa, wamunoda kuti amirire Zimbabwe ndiani? I can still pick your Zimbo accent from the forceful English/American one you tryna pull. This one gets to me too bad, let me not continue I am already getting frustrated.

6. Trying to manage every relationship other than your own - Please leave me and my partner alone. Especially if you have nothing constructive to say. You do not hear me saying anything about you and your philandering ways given I saw you buying that 18 year old girl a bed for the flat you rent for her yet your wife can only change hairstyles once in 6 months because unomusungira paycheck yake. I hope you understand.


























7. Snide remarks on Facebook/Twitter - I don't really want to pinpoint but you know what? Females are normally guilty of this. Truth. I would like to think that every female on earth knows the effect the word 'Wafuta' can have. The number of times I see the 'Ko why the weight gain?' ... 'Good living yakufutisa' ... 'Diaspora yakubvuma sweety' ... the 'You are still beautiful but wanyanya matama' ... 'dumbu iro' type comments. Really though? Or when someone's makeup is clearly an embodiment of a grotesque formation and someone writes 'I love the shade of eye shadow you have on'. Then those that purposely ask if you are still dating nhingi from 2004 paWall pako. I think it's spite if not instigation. 'You and Knowledge made a great couple, I wished you had gotten married.' There is always someone with a smart arse comment about something.

8. Getting mad over BS. - Someone you haven't spoken to in 5 years gets mad that they were not invited to your wedding after seeing photos. Hanzi 'How can you get married ndisipo?' WAS I MARRYING YOUR INSIGNIFICANT ASS THOUGH?

#RantOver
This topic has been eating at me for a while and here I am to get it out of my system in the hope that someone out there relates.




















I am from a Catholic background and it's probably one of the most conservative when 'God issues' are involved esp in Zim so I guess in that sense my church history is riddled with the 'we all have to go to church on Sunday' mantra. Include not eating meat on Fridays to that. Amen. To add colour to the history I went to a school run by a Pentecostal church and that's when my church drama outside purposely bunking church and making Mhomz angry seemingly began. I do have to admit that I absolutely loved the new church angle which allowed me to be more open about my faith and enjoy 'God' a bit more. Danceable songs. A real band not ngoma nehosho. Plenty of young people at church which means a higher chick to dude ratio (God forgive me). No little 'courses' to qualify me to be able to receive the eucharist bla bla bla. I even went to a Catholic school for the first 4 years of high school so you can imagine the relief to finally leave 'that life'. So ya in my quest to measure up as a Christian.... I was involved in some weird cult thing that happened during those high school years at the pentecostal church school and left me traumatised to say the least and even more scared about God and faith than I would like to admit. It would make for an entertaining story but let's say it involved 4am wake ups because 'the Master is calling us' and 7pm gatherings to receive 'gifts' from the Holy Spirit at the rugby fields. I shall say no more.

Anyhoo in all this I started to see God and the church in a whole different light. Some years back a girl I really liked dumped me because her family said she could never date a dude who was not SDA. In my ignorance I thought 'Well, it's an SDA thing' and you know how 'the rest of us other churches' have the whole 'Masavadha anonetsa' mentality? They prolly think of 'us' the same way I guess. The back & forth slandering between different churches is not a new thing and it's here to stay. This kind of thinking built Christianity in Zimbabwe for me in a nutshell. My biggest question was 'If it's one and the same God why are we so divided when worshiping Him?' To this day that question remains unanswered for me. Hence the Catholics think they the top team. So do the Methodists... the ZAOGAs... the New Lifes... the SDAs... The JWs... the Anglicans... the Christ Embassys... everybody is caught up in their 'brand' of Christianity as 'the best'. You get the picture, yea? I have sat through church services where the Catholic priest is saying some ridiculous things about 'church dzevanhu vanochema' and the Pentecostal pastor accusing the Catholics of 'not welcoming the Holy Spirit'. Welcome to Christianity in Zimbabwe.

Fast forward a few years and I find myself new in the diaspora looking for a church to attend because it was expected of me. And with girls asking me 'How is your walk in faith?' after I ask her out on the date kinda got me a bit short on points. First choice was the popular pentecostal Zim church where the who's who of the holier than thou attended. I hear it's fun and everyone comes out blessed. And so it was I went... First of all the element of everybody wanting to be in your business a.s.a.p, like they called dibs on who gets the most info first, put me off. Old people, young people, married people, church elders... they want to know who you are, how old you are, where you came from, what you do, your family tree, relationship status, your parents' occupations, income bracket, kwaunogara etc everyone was all up in a ninja grill arranging my next church visit and if I can attend cell groups during the week too. *sigh* The elders who check up on your every move because 'they are the moderators of our flock especially out here kusina vabereki'. Really? Or you just want to keep up with the church gos and take advantage of the fact that you are older and as young people we get excitable thinking as long as someone attends church they have our best interests at heart. Then the feeling of being under-dressed with my dress shirt, jeans and a comfortable pair of kicks because everyone there is dressed like the next business meeting is in town. I thought we just came here to worship though? *le sigh* Then the cars... me and my 2 legged vehicle could not match. *pressure*

Finally, the whole feeling of everyone there knows God, the bible and Christianity way more than I do. Intimidation 101. The 'what's your favourite bible verse?' quizzes and all. I couldn't name a single one to this day. Oh, wait... 'Jesus wept' is my favourite because it's clearly the easiest to remember. How could I compete??? You know when the Pastor gives the directive to open Corinthians 13 vs 9 and you have to look through the index to where Corinthians is if it is even in the bible of it? Yea. And the mainini next to you is already there hands in the air with an impending 'Amen' ready to be vocally birthed. THAT IS ME. THAT IS SO ME! Damn, I felt so small there. For once there I thought I must be the weakest in God in this room. So I thought ndinozvigona let me join the party mweya mutsvene undigarewo. How do people speak in tongues ini ndichitadza kana kunzwa voice raJesu esp when people give testimonies starting with 'God spoke to me....' So the homeboy is not speaking to me why??? Then outside the actual convergence the gwans start spinning. Nhingi is dating nhingi, those 2 are living together, heard the pastor is gwazing church funds, some senior church members are having an affair, I hear a gwan about me the guy who hasn't even been there 2 weeks, next dude's money isn't legit, the next girl is a reformed hoe, nhingi testifies about how she has had 3 abortions. I couldn't take it. I lasted no more than 3 weeks.

As it were, fast forward another few years I thought let me try again a different joint. Largely the same outcome. I felt weak man.

I love God but this is not the Christianity I know veduwee.

Asi ndiri benzi rinotiza Jesu anotinunura kubva munezvinorema?

Pastors are now rockstars that are literally worshipped. Oh have you seen the houses they live in? The cars they drive? Check their facebook pages and unokatyamadzwa wega. What is going on? I guess I am truly a small Christian who can never measure up to those that live in the word and are clearly better at it than me. Maybe I judge too much, why would I no longer go to church because of people? After all I pray to God not vanhu, right? But the environment affects me. A lot. The drama that's coming with Zim diaspora churches is hard for me to handle. I could not be in that circle and be comfortable or happy. I find it hard to be pretentious. Now when a girl asks me 'Which church do you go to?' I am proud to say 'None! I believe and pray to God.' and i truly mean that. Take that or move on to the man you find to be holy. I don't mind.

I love God. Can I just do so without the extras? I can't compete to be a bigger Christian than the next person. Now after yearning for a 'fun church' that I can experience God in His full effect all I yearn for is to go to the quiet, relaxed church where no one notices me, where there is minimal pressure and abundance of God. I go, I pray, I receive the word, I ponder on it, I go home, I make adjustments.

Does anyone hear me?

Trinta - Level One (2007)










This man IMHO is the most underrated Zimbabwean dancehall artist for the last 5 years. Trinta started out with the Honeyvibes Crew of the Tamari and Ndikuone fame, atestimony to his experience in the industry. I got hold of a copy of his album 'Level One' released in 2007 and I was simply blown away. Not only is his lyrical dexterity evident but he is so natural in his delivery you don't actually feel like he is trying. He simply DOES the job very well. Add to that, the album in itself is well structured and features some of the top talent like Man-X (Transit Crew), Cindy, 2nga T (MaFriq) and Picnic. The energy he brings to the mic is incredible and is the fastest 'Twista-like' dude in Zim dancehall, easily. The album was mainly produced by tried and tested star producer MacDee who did a sterling job. Songs that stood out for me are Nevamwe featuring Tunga T, Man X & Snature, Buda Mudanga, Wandodisisa featuring MacDee, Willox & Picnic, The Way You Make Me Feel featuring Cindy and the excellent One Way. Somehow it seems Winky D took the spot i thought Trinta would... somehow...

Cindy - Kukuda / Loving You (2006)










I remember asking an artist friend of mine 'Who is this Cindy chick? Anogona here?' and he told me to buy her album and I would have no regrets. Now from this debut which boasted of massive tunes like Ruva featuring Alexio, party starter Dhindindi featuring Wreckless and the heartbreaking but brilliantly composed Watadzei, I find an album that was under-appreciated in all senses. Even Cindy herself does not realise how good the album was/is and for me it cemented the fact that she was the best female Urban RnB artist in Zimbabwe (and still is!). I can understand that the quality is nothing compared to the stuff she is doing these days but for the time it was one of the best albums that was produced. Lyrically it was also well-written. It didn't gain as much mileage as it could have but take no points from it, this album is good! The production credits were divided mostly between the Makastrator team and also Take 5ive.


Yoz - Zvinyowani (2010)










Yoz unfortunately for him became more popular for the raunchy 'Akaka' video more than his actual talent (understandably). He is a street-smart lingo specialist from Fiyo who came to our attention around 2009 with a string of singles like the hit Wakamirira featuring Trevor Dongo and B.G then Tine Zvinhu Zvedu alongside Jnr Brown, B.G and Mugo. His debut album Zvinyowani ranks as one of the really good Urban Shona Hip Hop albums. The content is impressive given the wide variety of subjects he touches on as well some being very mature for what we expected when we gave it a listen. I personally think the production quality on most of the album was poor and that is on an overall scale considering mainly the mixing and mastering aspects which left a lot to be desired. That aside, he just needs the right management and guidance to get him going. Hot tracks here include Wakamirira, Fiyo Anthem, Mai Mwana featuring B.G and Usadhere.

Sanii Makhalima - Acoustic (2008)










After the impressive Ndofefeterwa I honestly did not think Sanii could bring such heat ever again but he proved me wrong by releasing a scorcher in Acoustic. Unfortunately at the time being in South Africa meant that his Zimbabwean fan base somewhat dwindled and people did not afford him the ear he deserved. The radio stations didn't do him any favours either. Acoustic is probably the best Sanii Makhalima album to date that showcases his production prowess and vocal abilities with the sound we grew to love him for since his Shamiso Entertainment days with older brother Delani. It is very well balanced and a well worked effort given that it had been about 3 years since he had dropped any fresh material. If you like your good old RnB with a fresh Zimbabwean twist then look no further, Acoustic is what you need. Disappointing response to an otherwise phenomenal album. My stand out track is Iwewe and this album remains one of the most underrated Zimbabwean albums of all time.

Claire Nyakujara - Haudi Nei (2010)










I rate this lady quite highly when it comes to that feel good jazzy mature folk tale type music. Her album is a journey of talent and regardless of the evident hard work put into this project it doesn't seem like she ever got the appreciation from Zimbabweans. All you have to do is give this album a listen and you can tell the experience she gained backing a numerous number of artists prior to going it on her own. The maturity is the catchiest aspect for me, vocally her voice is easy on the ear though not her strongest asset and her social commentary is one of the most impressive aspects of her music. The opening track Gwenyambira just puts you in the mood to listen to the rest and the album does not lose its momentum at any turn. Find this album if you are beyond the 25 year mark and appreciate artists like the late Sam Mtukudzi, Willis Wataffi, Chengetayi and Q. Montana. Brilliant offering!

And with that, Part 1 of this 4 part blog series is done. Be sure to catch the next ones as we go deeper into the excellent Zim offerings that never got love from the people.














I cant remember the amount of times I see a woman with visibly horrible makeup yet her friends act like 'all is well'. Hutsinye. I would never let my homeboy look dodgy in my presence lest i be judged as a bird of the same feather saka sometimes we just have to help each other as homies and here is my list of improvements for my fellow Zimbo guys out there to follow in 2012. This list is in part because I am sick and tired of our ladies saying statements like'Zim guys are not as well groomed as other Africans like Naijas' or 'Zim guys cannot dress well' or "Zim guys are lazy around the house vakangwarira bhora chete'. SICK AND TIRED. We can improve and I refuse to concede to the Ogas or anyone else for that matter especially when it comes to handling ourselves well. I task every dude to make at least 1 change on this list if it applies to them. WHY NOT?

For starters, male grooming definitely exists and though emphasis was never placed tichikura, that is no excuse to ignore the essential benefits not only for us as men but for those around us.

In the words of Buffalo Souljah, proper male grooming istyra inonyengesa!

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This particular list was adapted from the #BoysDzangu hashtag on Twitter from about 2 weeks ago. Hanzi zano marairanwa guys. Batai nepapa:

1. Having a 6 pack is not a necessity by any means but being in good shape and taking care of your body is. Let's say goodbye to potbellies, beer bellies, bellies. Get in shape and keep fit at least.

2. Looking good is NOT only for special occasions. No compromise.

3. Learn simple but good habits like picking up after yourself; hembe, food, everything. Besides being responsible enough, those that are in your space will appreciate that greatly.

4. Looking, dressing and being grown and proper is not only limited to job interviews. You are who you portray wherever you are. No excuses.

5. Your hair needs attention too so shampoo and conditioner will do. This is pure cleanliness issues and kugeza is for EVERY part of your body.

6. Shaving armpits is not only limited to females. Veet hainyanyodhura zvayo , it's not that expensive for something you use once in a while. Please buy some and use it.

7. Why not try mamwe mafuta other than Vaseline? Some wonderful male body products out there and they cover just about all price ranges.

8. Know the link between your bank balance and lifestyle yako. Usambonyara, be confident in being YOU and on that note don't overstretch your abilities in order to impress a girl. One thing good women know how to do is judge a guy for who he really is. The rest are just 'game'.

9. Nyaya yekuisa underwear muWashing machine ngaipere. Those things zvinoda kuwachwa nomazvo honestly. Some things need your personal TLC.

10. Usamirire kuti madam ichaMaker bed maksen. KuBoarding waiMaker bed sei? Nokuti kwanga kunaBoarding master? Help around the house with seemingly small things and/or those you normally leave for 'the woman to do'. It will come back ten fold.

11. Ngatifarire kuita washen > Ende washen sandi hembe chete, kana magumbeze nemaSheets chero pillow case dzinowachwa. This one is a must because you and where you live should be at 100% as much as possible. It's not easy but it's possible.

12. Nyangwe mota yako iri skoroskoro igeze mukati nekunze. Huchapa hauna excuse because imota. This is another part of you that reflects who you are. I personally do not like riding in a dirty car, inside or out.

13. Carry around a packet of Mentos or Airwaves or Tic Tacs JUST IN CASE. You never know. Call this insurance.

14. Dressing well goes beyond oversize G-Unit t-shirts, Skinny jeans, High tops, YMCMB caps etc. Be diverse when you dress. Unonyenga more nazvo.



















15. In that regard, also kindly dress zvinekodzero neAge yako futi. If you are grown please stay away from such fashion disasters that include durags, flat rim baseball caps, ice hockey jerseys etc Ask for help if you need to. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, PLEASE.

16. Have a hair style/cut that goes with your age please. Corn rows at 38 because 'Beckham akambozviita' is a bad look. A very bad look especially if you want to be taken seriously.

17. Money permitting please buy a proper fragrance AND ROLL ON. Summer or winter, these 2 are not to be taken for granted. Besides that we all would appreciate it, women absolutely love it when a guy smells good and those are automatic brownie points.

18. When it comes to deodorants and fragrances: DO NOT SPRAY ON DEO IF YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN A BATH AND JUST WASHED YOUR FACE. Haisi fresh. DO NOT SPRAY ON DEO on special occasions only e.g because uri kuenda kunoona chimoko. Isa every day!!!

I'm not quite a fan of new year resolutions but the new year is a good opportunity to make some significant changes in your life.






Let's make 2012 count.

















So the year has come and gone and true to form it was the year of the grind. Typical go hard or go home season. You have been sprinkled with my antidotes of hints and tips; some have threatened to find me and wring my neck but Miss Diaspora still leaves on.

Now how can I go out of #2011 without a final post before we close off the year? I am a firm believer in not doing New Year resolutions but a To Do List is always essential. There are certain things and people you are going to have to leave behind in order for 2012 to be an awesome year.

That 'friend' who calls you only when they need something - You know you have one of these, that person who randomly pops up when ari patight and is in need of extra cash, a pair of shoes or something. They hang around your life for a maximum of 2 weeks then disappear with a promise to pay you back or return what you have given them. Go through your phone book and delete that person. They are using you and really a good friend doesn't just pop out of nowhere kunge mweya wetsvina.

The couch dweller - You remember the day you let your friend move in when they needed a place to crush for a few days? It's a few months later and they are still living on your couch and your living room is now their bedroom. It's time you made a plan and got them up on their feet and reclaimed your living space. Simply put be an enabler not a crutch, they need you but give them back some power over their life and instead of walking around your house resenting them ask them 'nicely' to go. Hukama haugezewi nesipo setsvina - a true sahwira won't hate you.

Bad grooming and non-existent swag - Red Rihanna inspired weaves, jeans that are two sizes big, fake eye lashes that make you look like you have insects on your eyes and sweat smelling armpits hama dzangu MUST be left in 2011. Ladies I get the craze with weaves trust me I am a faithful weave wearer myself but if you are going to get a weave get one that suits you and doesn't make you look like you are auditioning for a part as a hoodrat in a music video. Also if you are going to buy that hot dress make sure it's your size, cleavage is gorgeous but when you look like you are about to pop out of your dress you look cheap. Gents gum and deodorant is your friend. Use it daily and trust me we will give you more hugs and won't screw up our faces when you talk to us. A man no matter how hot is a turn off when there is no grooming. Ngatitambei nemvura, yekugeza tiwanze yekunwa tiite shoma.






Unprotected Sex - Hama dzangu AIDS and unwanted pregnancies are REAL. Condoms are as cheap as they get and I'm sure in some places you can get them for free. Let's be responsible, we started learning about sex and condoms kuma Grade 5. Stop having sex without a condom! It's sad that with how intelligent we are as a generation we sometimes make the dumbest decisions. Hakuna zvekuti sweet harinaki - you don't want to die young. Wrap it up and become wiser. AIDS is real and it's not a condom marketing gimmick. Even just that once you could catch something. Gara ne one muwallet and ladies it's your responsibility to make sure he uses one so gara nerako muhandbag. Let's wise up.
No glove, no love.






The Stalker - Since they got your number/BBM pin/Facebook/Twitter this person does not let up and for some weird reason they are fully convinced that you are in a relationship. At first the attention is cute but after a while of them declaring that no one can ever love you like them, it's now borderline mental hospital patient. Ok fine we all love attention but leading a person on who you don't really give a hoot about can prove to be a bit dangerous. Let it go and ladies especially be firm, your sweet voice saying 'Please usandifonera' does not work. Get your Madea on and yes a few threats maybe necessary. Fellas I think you got this one.


Naked pictures on social networks - Aiwa ka hama dzangu zvakwana. Ladies fair and fine you got a banging body hatirambi but this freedom of action has you looking like a cheap hooker. It's your life but you are traumatising us. Stop posting naked or semi naked pictures of yourself. We are tired of booty shots, boob shots and whatever else state of semi nakedness you think we need to see. Ok fellas I know you thinking, 'Miss D wakutivharira zvinhu' but hold up how you going to date a girl who at least 500 people know she has a birth mark on her right boob? Have some self-respect ladies if you do take pictures send them to your mudiwa he will probably appreciate them more than us and trust us to label you as 'cheap' and 'loose' because it is what it is.





That ratchet boyfriend/girlfriend - You know that so called love of your life who still cheats on you, swears that flirting is harmless, has countless of admirers who make weird comments on their Facebook page. YES, that one. Time to leave them behind. Basic fact is they are probably lying and they have perfected the art and as the year ends let's spell it out. They are a ratchet and you deserve better. Chances are if you let them stick around you will catch an STD or AIDS. Time to wipe the egg off your face, yes he/she is a ratchet. (Get an HIV test just to be sure).



Laziness - Ladies and gents chemahara mushana! Get up in 2012 and grind for what you want and desire. No one owes you anything besides you. No more excuses. Whether in Zimbabwe or living in the diaspora, iwe you are in charge of your own success. Sorry wake up call, laziness will not give you much. If you look around you, other people are doing amazing things and you are the same as them. The difference is the level of passion and willingness to grind and truth be told we don't celebrate marovha that much. Get up and grind.



Photoshop Avatars/Profile Pictures - Hama dzangu rina manyanga hariputirwi. The fact is if you are going to put a profile picture up with you looking like a supermodel, my dear you must ensure that you at least look like one. I feel for my brothers who this past year have been jilted by photoshoped avatars; my heart goes out to you but munodawo zvinhu. The fact, friends, is the world is smaller than you think and when you do finally meet the scam will be up. So keep it real ladies and leave this nonsense. If you have small boobs or a big tummy or acne it's all good girl, work your swag and let the brothers fall for the natural you.



Pseudo rappers/models/etc - Ermmmmm if you are on Twitter you have probably laughed at this. Twitter beef between people who have never met and might never meet is hilarious. It keeps us entertained and our time lines alive but don't take it to heart. It is childish and has some of us doubting if they are adults. Twitter beef is the best thing since reality TV. Don't get caught in it because there are those that will go in on you. Don't take it personally it is just Twitter and when you have no words just say #Chindecya


Thinking small - Welcome to the 21st century, the greatest time to be alive, to the internet, iPads, thousands of applications and every other amazing thing that we have been exposed to. Stop thinking like a chicken and start thinking like an eagle. If you decide to be stuck with the status quo, you will not achieve much. Dream big and trust me somehow and in some way you will be able to make your dreams come true. The world is now as big as you allow yourself to see it and as small as you are willing to conquer. Be like a postage stamp and stick at it and make it happen. You have one life.




Ok she's done, Miss Diaspora vapedza. Mova the Kisimusi inotapira, modya rice ne chicken and celebrate the year that was.

Cheers to #2011 and don't be taking baggage with you.

P.S. I will be back and it's going to get spicier



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@kunakirwa

The other day TEAM KUNAKIRWA was on that tweet hype and we were having an interesting discussion about the flyest women in Africa.
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Now, that as the general story, dudes were justifying their reasoning behind who they rate. One distinct quote from some Southern African individuals; "No booty? No thank you!" And of course we all know some girls without ass wouldn't be too happy about such a proclamation, which is fair... i guess. No pun intended. One particular member of the League of Extraordinary Twimbo Women shared 3 tweets that i feel need to be addressed concerning women in general.













1. "But hanti mati with Zim men it's 'no booty no thanks', saka isu vetuma smallaz toita sei?"

This highlights a problem with the thinking of a good number of women i know. You meet 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 maybe even 7 dudes who like booty and you graduate that to 'All Zim men want booty so where does that leave the rest of us not so well endowed women?'. Please be serious. There an estimated 5.8 million of us homeboys. 5.8 million damn it! 7 opinions do not and cannot accurately reflect the whole population perception. Like i said, please be serious.

Of things i respect men for, one is being able to compete regardless of who, what, where, when or how the next nigga looks. I'm yet to come across any man on that 'If i had a 6 pack like nhingi i would fair much better with girls' tip. Me, short, chubby, dark, with my beer belly have no problem fancying my chances with the ladies because apparently Panashe the Personal Trainer and his rock-hard 6 pack are around or maybe because Nwankho the Naija and his Audi are in the hood. But with women eish.... you get big women who quiver when that pretty size 8 with her seemingly flawless figure walks into the room or petite women who just shrivel up in a corner because a curvy size 12 arikuzadza that body-shaping dress is turning heads. See what i mean? Either way, someone, somewhere has a feature that you might regard as 'better'. Shamwari, that body you have is YOURS kubva kubvudzi kusvika kunzwara dzemumakumbo. What you got is what God gave you so work it! Otherwise you are slowly signing up for things like depression > anorexia > bulimia. Serenity Prayer.

2. "Varume vanofurira weduwe! Most women who undergo surgery kuda kufadza varume!"

In the simplest terms this is what we call 'low self-esteem'. A classic example of a woman who has issues with herself that have been planted in her mind for years and years and years but uses men as a fallback. If the man you are with does not quite like how you look, DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO BECOME WHAT YOU CAN NEVER BE TO HIM. How, again, do you knowingly stay with a man who doesn't even appreciate you? That man is using you for his selfish needs because he knows you are gullible like that. Part of that is your fault - for letting him. If you are 18 and know no better, fine, you are excused for being silly (you WILL learn) but if you are 29 and still jumping through hoops doing unrealistic things 'kuda kufadza varume', you need help. You are exhibiting more of fragility than initiative for progress. Some women need to start claiming ownage for such issues instead of blaming men for them. JUST BECAUSE A MAN DOES NOT LIKE YOUR BODY, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD NOT!

In some serious cases that get to this surgery stage it might not be mhosva yevarume after all. There is a disease for that you know. It's called BDD. I took the liberty to google some background info for you:

"Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a psychological disorder where a person is preoccupied with minor or imaginary physical flaws. BDD usually develops in teenagers, a time when individuals are most concerned about the way they look to others. It has been suggested that teasing or criticism regarding appearance could play a contributory role in the onset of BDD. While it is unlikely that teasing causes BDD, likewise, extreme levels of childhood abuse, bullying and psychological torture are often rationalized and dismissed as "teasing", sometimes leading to traumatic stress in vulnerable persons. Similarly to teasing, parenting style may contribute to BDD onset; for example, parents who either place excessive emphasis on aesthetic appearance, or disregard it at all, may act as a trigger in the genetically-predisposed. A person with BDD tends to have cosmetic surgery, and even if the surgeries are successful, does not think they are and is unhappy with the outcomes. However, many patients suffer for years before seeking help."

Seek help. I urge you.

3. "This other girl wants to enlarge her butt coz aneta nekuti all the guys she's been with cheated on her with bootylicious babes! Pressure!"

This one is just as bad as 'Guys don't like me because i have small boobs' or 'Men will only start approaching me if i get to a size 8'. Refer to the first point. Hearing a woman say that irks me but it's way too common right now, some ladies need to get a grip. A woman's worst enemy is her own mind. In this scenario, that girl is blaming her own body for a cheating man's conduct. It's in her mind i said. Excuses. That 'if i could just lay it on him a bit better he would never leave me' mentality. No my dear, you are very mistaken coz homeboy is just an a**hole. That man just dogged you out and all you can think about is that it's your small booty's fault? And a huge booty brings mysterious bonuses like the capacity to steal other people's men. Yea, sure. Tell you what? After getting butt implants next homeboy prolly will leave you for a girl with a smaller, petite body. Then what's next for you? Ref:- BDD.

Most members of VLAZ (Vagina Lovers Association of Zimbabwe) i know will agree that a woman with a low self esteem, no matter how fine, is a huge turn off. Why would i want to be with a woman who is always praising the next girl for having a bigger ass or bigger tits than she does? It's annoying and quite putting off. At the same time, you yourself will most likely always feel 'beneath' other females and even people in general. Then when you wonder why guys 'don't like you' the truth eludes you. It's not your body, it's that vibe and negative aura you carry above your head the whole damn day. It's not invisible.

Every man will have his preference of the kind of woman he is attracted to physically and you prolly fall in a few million dudes' bracket as much as the next girl. Sure, hit the gym and all, you can make some reasonable adjustments if need be but don't get carried away with it. LOVE YOURSELF!


This post is for the ladies and the question I'm asking today is WHY ARE YOU A HATER? Whether it's an inbuilt gene in us or a force of habit, 9 times out of 10 we just have this shavi of hating that is inside us. Before you spew profanities at me and ask once again, 'Who the hell does this cow think she is?', let me prove to you that you have at least hated more than once; maybe even today.


















Many times when one asks this question the answer you get is, "I'm not a hater, the thing is I just don't like her." Do you know her? "No." So why do you hate on her? "Handingonzwi kumufarira so-o." How many times have you found yourself saying that? It's almost like inside of each of us no matter how old we get we are stuck in a horribly written script of Mean Girls and we are either the villain or the hero. The reason we hate for no reason is because we have wrong perceptions and the truth is everyone is too busy worrying about life to waste energy talking or gossiping about you.

There are things many women will generally hate on:

*Her Body - Now how many times have you looked at someone who busts her ass off at the gym and made a snide comment like, 'Hona kuwonda kwaaita imi hachisi chirwere?'. Right there is proper hation. Some women hate on others for GOD given assets e.g.: I swear mazamu ake are so fake imi. Hold up chick... it isn't her fault GOD decided to dish her out with Double Delicious and gave you Average Acceptance. If you want bigger boobs, a bigger butt or a smaller waist trust me these days you can pay for anything. Stop passing judgement and work on your own body.










REAL vs FAKE





*Her Clothes - Often you will hear this said, 'Anongadada nehembe dzake but I hear she buys her stuff from maZhing Zhong'. Iwe hold up! Last I checked the same shop she bought her clothes has not closed down, so why you being a brat about it? These very same haters then go ahead and sarcastically saying, 'Askana that dress is sooo nice!' Yeah right! In between that sickeningly 'over-sweet' voice and your eyes we know you lying. If you can afford it buy it if you can't, work your ass off and afford it.

*Her Weave - Thank goodness for whoever advised us sisters on the beauty of a weave. Many of us rock them, some better than others hence the comments that range from 'haina kumbomufitter' to 'she thinks she's white because she has a weave'. Again, refer to working your ass off for what you want and want to afford. Ladies can you also stop these nasty rumours of 'she slept with nhingi to get her weave'. There are two ways to look at it; don't hate her hustle and it's her life.


*Her Man - Why are some women out to destroy other women's relationships? It's high time we called out some of you who are giving crappy advice in a bid kuti muwande kuSingles Club. You spend time spreading rumours that are false about someone's man or you go out of your way to verify if he's really faithful. Come on be a real friend and celebrate another girl when she falls in love. Stop going off to cause problems for her and then sit there with a fake smile and fake concern telling her she doesn't need a loser when you know deep down inside you wishing he was your man. Zvakwana! Stop being a hater, fix yourself and get yourself a good man too. Yes those comments of 'No man can be that good or faithful' taneta nawo. Maybe they can't be faithful to you but she clearly is doing something right!

*Her Success - I know of one girl I went to school with brainy as can be and she got a scholarship to go to an awesome university but instead of celebrating we hated on her. Years later I realize this girl is as humble as can be but because of hating I lost out on a potential good friend. If you see another woman doing well celebrate her and hang around her and get inspired. To sit back and gossip about her and bring her down just shows uri dofo. Whether she buys a new car or a house go and learn and do the same. Hating shows just how small minded you are.

*Her Life - You do not know the story behind someone's life, you have no idea what she did to be where she is and how she got to where she is. Regai godo askana! Her life has been built over years of experience and trials and tribulations you could never phantom. Stop pulling her down. Check her success and learn.... and learn.... and learn. Whether she is a trust fund baby or she got a sugar daddy, who made you judge and jury over everyone? Get busy with your life and you might just do better with your own life. As my mother always says, 'Mwanangu vanhu vane godo are as good as varoyi. Ukaiita godo either ucharoya or uchafira mujere or uchapedza mari uchienda kun'anga'.

People hate what they do not understand and half the time you are hating on the surface of a story and a life you do not know about . Be the bigger person and stop the gossip and the hating. Some of y'all got accolades of being gossipers. Yes stop hating on her Facebook pictures. Stop hating on her Tweets. Stop making hating a habit. Walk away and make it a challenge not to hate.

Haters you may hate now (lol)


















Theory 1: Zimbabwean men find it okay to sleep around before marriage but with a non-negotiable and unrealistic expectation to end up marrying a virgin.... (bastards!)

Argument: Double standards. Who the hell do Zimbabwean men think they are???

The Real Gwan: Non-virgins were on the negative side of the equation. For the non-virgins; after all the hard work, 'vaginal allure' and eventually being left 'ringless', with maybe a kid or 2 (shout out to the M1s and M2s), virgins got all the props - for doing NOTHING.

The Plan: A real stroke of genius. Rather than attempting to convince more men to maintain flaccidity in their pants until marriage (which was going to be too hard for the vagina loving bastards), they decided to corrupt the last remaining batch of virgins and introduce a new school of thought to the old and outdated 'Feminine Code'.

I mean how would you feel, if, in the last minute of the World Cup final you dribbled from your half to the other end of the pitch and at the goal line someone else comes from nowhere and taps it in. The goal is credited to their name, everyone talks about how they won it for 'your team', they even get Man of the Match and sh*t. I'd be happy the team won but damn pissed that I lost. Non-virgins could have taken the approach of blatantly calling out virgins and saying, 'Look here troops, you are messing things up for the rest of us by doing 'the right thing' and closing your legs till that one man. Would you be so kind to go and get piped BEFORE marriage and experience a fair few number of peni so we all have a fair go?' But they didn't. Instead, Zimbabwean men got the stick for loving vagina too much and because there was no hope in them un-loving vagina anyway, the best option was to declare a state of emergency and somehow make virgins open their legs early.... to make it fair.
No virgins. No problem.





I told you these non-virgins applied a commendable dose of intelligence.





The extinction of the virgin was vital to non-virgins but the virgins in their innocence didn't know any better therefore curiosity killed the cat of course. So they thought, 'Why 'let' men dagger other women, run trains on hoes and all that nasty ish while we innocently wait for The One?' Why couldn't the virgins while up time by sampling different variations of the pipe (in this age of equal rights damn it!)? More and more virgins began defecting to the other side to 'punish' the vagina-virgin loving bastards which meant more daggerable vaginas along the way and ultimately less virgins for marriage. And so it was...

... but with one pivotal flaw - the belief that in all this, the vagina-virgin loving bastards were the constant that would remain the same and so too their mentality concerning virginity (and lack there of).














Theory 2: Virgin vagina = better sex, better love, better woman, better wife, better everything.

Argument: Too high a respect level for unpiped vagina at the expense of the rest.

The Real Gwan: At some point admittedly, virgins were the business. Most vagina lovers probably wanted one and dreamt of being the dude who 'broke it'... at some point. Just not now. Somewhere in the midst of this whole theoretical confusion they realised that an unbroken hymen in no way positively influenced sex. Yip. Its. All. About. Sex. The thought of sex with a virgin will forever have its place in the Vagina Lovers Hall of Fame, yes... but other than that, as a self proclaimed rep of the vagina lovers, I would like to kindly inform you all that they have no business with virgins whatsoever. You may wonder why:

1. Too much ground work - the days of 'ndokupfimba kwe6 months while you 'decide' if I am worth it or not' are long gone. If it will take you 6 months to get her to go out with you it might be a few years before you finally get to the vagina, if at all.
2. Unskilled labour - every job comes with desirable qualifications, prerequisites and levels of experience. The only thing virgins possess for the job are vaginas - not good enough.
3. Attachment issues - go ahead and break a hymen for fun and see how clingy the carrier of that hymen becomes. If one thing, the man who done taketh your woman's virginity should live as far away as possible.
4. Platinum P*ssy Syndrome - 'I waited this long to open my legs now you have to bow down to my vagina or else...' You know the kind that uuuummmmm will use the vagina as bait like it has some super powers or something. Like virginity is this unattainable level of humanism for a select few.

The Vagina Lovers Association of Zimbabwe refuses to commit to such stress levels.

Meaning the well-executed plan by non-virgins under Theory 1 was not so great after all. Rather than having an exclusive and relatively small number of non-virgins to take advantage of the shift in mentality by the vagina lovers and leave virgins in their ignorance, the master plan resulted in overcrowding in I-Love-Penisville. Once virgins caught on and rushed to get daggered, the battle for vagina lovers intensified.

The Plan: Equip more high school boys with the knowledge and confidence to have the balls to devirginise as many as possible, thus taking care of this virginity problem in its infancy. This also makes our job in pipe insertion easier once this school thing is out of the way and the vagina carriers join the workforce or something. Simply because we love things.

#NowPlaying Vybz Kartel - Virginity
So if you are like me (i.e. a female) you like to talk. Sometimes the stuff we say makes a lot of sense and sometimes there is no common sense sieve that allows us to choose our words carefully.



















Let me explain. Have you ever been chilling with your Mr and said something with your girlish excitement and been met with a stare and a prolonged awkward silence? It's that putting your foot in your mouth that takes you days to resolve and mentally kick yourself for even mentioning it or thinking it. Hence being the helpful sister that I am (and after much research S/O to Mr Diaspora) there are things that seem innocent and cute that you should never ever say:

You're the best I ever had - Now ladies how many of y'all have said this with the belief that it is a HUGE ego booster? Errm let me burst your bubble. This is one statement that has too many connotations that could have you met with a harsh cold stare. These words once said can mean you are comparing his sexual prowess with your exs or openly admitting that you have had your fair share of men (ratchet alert) to do a quick comparison or while y'all where getting jiggy you were thinking of Trymore? I shall leave it at that.... you've been warned.

I don't mean to brag but I have been told I am ALL THAT - We often say statements like this in a bid to prove how 'very available' we are and how on demand we actually are and Johnny must count himself blessed to be in our presence. As much as men need to appreciate us this statement is filled with childishness and stupidity. Ever heard the saying about blowing your own horn? Usually if you blow your own, you really are making noise for everyone else who doesn't really want to hear you. The only thing we hear is justify me, praise me because I'm insecure. Fact is love and relationships are not a game of kunyengererana. Once you have said these words two things are likely to happen: He may stick around and tap that and walk away or he will walk away. No man never wants to feel like sister be thinking she is made of gold and she possesses the best goods on the block. If you really are ALL THAT trust me he will TELL you.

Yes I can be a b*tch sometimes - Now this is a RATCHET STATEMENT. Ladies words can be translated in 20 different ways and the question here is what behaviour are you justifying? It's very much open to all sorts of interpretation and if have bagged yourself a man who wants to stick around for a while this will give him a lot of doubts. I never can understand why women need to use the word b*tch to justify a certain kind of behaviour? No one ever wants anyone hollaring at u in the street saying, "Hey wasup nhingi u b*tch." How do you earn respect from a man ? One hint: don't compare your behaviour to that of a female dog. All the brothers will agree with me no one wants to date a bitchy girl. Result is ndiwe hako unosara uri single.

I'm all for equal rights but I expect my man to bankroll my lifestyle - The words bankroll and lifestyle should have the strains of Kanye West's GoldDigger playing in your ears. What kind of 'lifestyle' do you have that has a man breaking the bank to maintain? Really in our efforts to sell ourselves off as the ideal mate half the time we seem to paint these horrible pictures of ourselves. Most women with bankrolled lifestyles usually end up with sugar daddies whose banks can sustain them. Now why would a brother want to take such a gamble?

Sha that day I was sooo drunk I have no clue how I got home - *insert side eye* How drunk do you really get chick? As much as we want brothers to fall for the fun loving girl, I doubt many of them are willing to be nursing weekly hangovers. As much as you have fun some of your drunken escapades must not be recounted especially if you are trying to build a lasting and meaningful relationship. This statement is usually met with the thought: CHIDHAKWA!

You don't love me anymore - I often wonder what possesses us to say this? I mean plenty brothers get shocked because this accusation is ridiculous and quite honestly this is you telling a man that he isn't doing what he promised he would. Most chicks often say this when we want attention or get that lil devil voice in your head that tells you that you are not good enough. Next time that voice creeps up smack yourself or consult Mapostori because madhimoni iwayo. If you have real issues to address don't start with accusations - learn to communicate.

Well nhingi says her man does that wani - Unless you and nhingi want to be sharing a man - girl watch your mouth! There has to be a better way to suggest things than to pull that spoilt brat statement. What you and your girls talk about behind closed doors really must never be relayed to your man in this fashion. Ladies the man you are dating will never be like your friends man - so leave it and be happy with what you have or you will be single. If you really wanted him to do that maybe you should have dated nhingi's man.

If you trusted me you would give me your password - Trust is measured through time and not passwords. This whole I want to read your messages on your cellphone etc ka hama dzangu zvakarambisa vazhinji. We all create passwords in private and thus it should be private. Certain information will only be given through the privilege of time. This won't work out ladies, chero wakuda kuyema don't ever say this.


As endearing as words maybe, at times they will get you into more trouble than it's worth... Choose them wisely and 2 seconds of thinking before you say them will have a different effect.

Till next time...


SPACE is an art and truth be told you owe it to society to learn how to give it and receive it. It's time we spelt it out and demanded some space.

LADIES: Now when you enter into coupledom the expectations are you will be around each other a lot and both parties are anticipating this and much more. However let's face facts there is the potential threat of boredom. Many times you will hear, be it the guy or girl complaining, that they are feeling suffocated. I call this 'CHIKWEKWE SYNDROME'. One party of the relationship has ceased to exist by themselves and are now constantly around the other party which is not always good. It's when words like 'clingy', 'stalker' and 'bug-a-boo' are used.
















A clingy partner is one that always wants to be around you. With females we seem to hit this nail dead on the head because we literally become the poor guys shadow. Kwaaenda uripo and if you are not there you become agitated and upset and panicky. These are the girls you will see sitting in a bar looking miserable but stuck to their man as if they are a body guard. Now during the first few days of your relationship this is cute but after a few months you become a major irritation girl. Do yourself and that man a favour; stay at home and chill out. Give the brother some space which means you allow him some alone time with his friends and by himself without you in the picture. This earns you respect and you build trust.

GENTS: So fair and fine boys want their space and we respect that but come on gents some of you need to learn this too. When your girl says she is off to a girls night out don't you dare think of tagging along. Yes we will dress up and look hot to actually just go and chill out with our girlfriends because we feel like it and we want to gossip and sip wine in private. If you tag along what is the point? Trust me yes she can call a cab if she gets tipsy and we will not be putting our goods on display to be macked on. You know the saying: Girls just want to have fun? It's actually very true we want to let our hair down; dance and come home. Of course seeing you get a little jealous is cute but when you go into a full blown rage we think 'STALKER ALERT!'




















FRIENDS: Now we are all someone's friend but some of us are just plain NOSEY. Mind your own business! Learn to give your friends some breathing room. I'm tired of friends who think you owe them your time and company. Friendship is a choice and not an obligation. You can't force a person to spend time with you nokuti muri shamwari. Come on guys and girls let's grow up. Now just because I call you a friend it does not mean I am at your disposal 24/7. We are way past the baby sitting stage. Iva munhu anosuwikawo and don't always give people a guilt trip for not checking up on you. Guys don't you just hate asking out a girl and she brings her friend who acts like they are Siamese twins? Dear friend stay at home and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives and wait for an update. Be a good friend.

YOUR FRIEND IS A GUY AND YOU ARE A GIRL: When your guy friend enters into a relationship MUPE SPACE. The man cannot be entertaining you and his girlfriend just because munozivana. That is disrespectful to the other girl in the picture. So here is a simple solution GIVE HIM SPACE. This whole you don't care about me no more crap must stop. Be a good friend and let him nurture his relationship. I speak on behalf of all those women who are tired of the childhood female friend who acts like she is dating your man. The girlfriend doesn't care if you went to creche together quite honestly we don't give a toss! Is she coming across as jealous? Yes, she is because we all know that women can be back stabbers. Do yourself a favour, step away.




With guys it's a little different (I hope - Mr Kunakirwa can verify this). Once a girl enters into a relationship they seem to quietly step away because it's pretty obvious two egos will not and cannot co-exist.





ATTENTION SEEKERS: The reason people cannot give others space is because they are attention seekers. STOP looking for attention wherever there is an audience. Ehe vaskana paTwitter we are kinda tired of your semi-nude pictures and pointless tweets of 'I got it on last night.' Newsflash: Ndiyo ratchet behaviour iyoyo and truth is no one really cares! Tipeiwo SPACE!














So ladies and gents demand your space and guard it jealously. If your friend doesn't get this concept they are not much of a friend. For attention seekers, I suggest you book an appointment with a shrink. For couples, alone time makes the relationship worth it.

With that I'm out....

As time has revealed that this blog is what cool Zimbos read, we received this comment on the post about

When That Zim Guy Is Not Going To Marry You:

"Now this being all true I've met men who will have you believe their intentions are good but never follow through. How can you tell if he is Mr Make Believe? (lately there are relationships called fakelations/fake boyfriends/girlfriends/i am whatever you want me to be). His intentions were once clear but lately wave like the ocean waves. It's the calibre of men in this century."















I will address this the best way i can. I think the issue of which man is genuine or not has one of the toughest 'Relationship Encryptions'. Decoding this encrypted data is possible but in no way fool proof. In that regard i think one thing that we have to make clear is that a woman cannot know for sure if a guy is genuine or not. Because men... we can act. Much in the same way I would say guys can never quite know how genuine a woman is in her intentions. Behaviour, however, can tell you a fair bit.












The problem i actually have with writing this post is that some women are sure to enter that 'getting to know you' phase with a guy, guards up ready to detect any sort of BS lurking about when the potential homeboy is involved. 2 words: WRONG APPROACH. This is part of why some ladies out there destroy fairly good relationships by concentrating more on trying to find something wrong with the picture than building everything that's right. Not only does such behaviour wear a woman down but it wears the relationship down. If your man/the guy you like has given you no reason to doubt his genuineness or intentions no need to get all CSI on his ass. Relationships can be enjoyable you know.

Here are my top 2 signs of a guy who just wants to dagger.

(Sexual) Thirst - This may seem simple since everyone has different gears of operating but one dead giveaway for guys who are out for hit and run poundage is their thirst. If a guy at least wants to know you a bit more he will delay in bringing up any sexual talk because he wants to prove he is genuine. No guy wants the girl he likes to think he is a jerk. On the other hand if homie is concerned with daggeration, he attempts to turn normal, simple conversations into sexually suggestive ones. Us men have this thing of 'testing the waters' early on in getting to know a girl we really just want ass from. This is best done by text... Regai ndinyatsokujekeserai.

G: Hey, how was your day?
B: It was awesome, just finished the daily grind and yours?
G: Spent it with the girls and about to take a shower before bed. This winter is bad. o_O
B: Would love to join you in that shower or better yet keep you warm all night....

See what just happened there? Now there are 2 ways it could go: Chick hits you up on that 'We are not at that stage yet'/'I'm not that kinda girl' vibe which makes things rather weird and uncomfortable... or she plays along on that 'What's stopping you' vibe and you prolly end up sexting bla bla bla. We use that to find out how easy it will be to hit that. The easier it is, the less work and worries about establishing any solid foundation because the pussy is relatively easy #NoOffence. The moment chick plays along we attach label 'R' to your profile. You are no longer Rutendo. You become Rutendo The Ratchet. The fun part is actually acting like Rutendo The Ratchet is #winning and about to secure herself a decent man despite blatantly laying out the cooch in her ratchet behaviour. She will give it up even more freely to try and prove she is worth wifing. Dead giveaway like i said. The quicker we can get some ass and move on to the next, the better.
IT'S AN EASY AND LARGELY ACCURATE METHOD TO IMPLEMENT ON GIRLS WE THINK ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SHORT TERM ASS BUT NOT GREAT ENOUGH FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.





Quality Time - People who like each other a lot generally wanna spend time with each other. When i talk of spending time i do not mean sesh or having relations (sex), i mean hanging out and actually getting to enjoy each others company without trying to take any undies off. When a man isn't necessarily feeling you as much as you think he is in the way you think he is, there are 2 things he does that go against spending proper quality time:




1. He avoids actually getting to know YOU. He doesn't make any effort to really discover what kind of a person you are. Better yet, he reveals very little about himself as well and avoids any meaningful conversations through distractions like jokes and compliments. In other words uses charm to make you feel like everything is going perfectly and pane kaSpark yet what he is really going for is trying to get you in a comfort zone with him which makes his mission to have sex with you easier.

2. Ensuring that each time when you meet it's more likely to be dinner that will lead to going either to his place or yours. Then hopefully getting into your pants some time. During the day he is always surprisingly 'tied' up (weekends inclusive) especially if you suggest non-sexual recreational activities that include good old genuine chilling together like taking a walk, going sight-seeing or just a lunch hour meet up.

I'm sure you get the picture.

Now outside these 'signs' there is one other thing some women need to understand. Not every 'potential' leads to a relationship. In short, don't get your hopes up just because a guy has shown interest in you. Munonyatsopindirana here or you just want a chance yekuvhairira shamwari dzako kuti you now got a man? That can often blind your judgement.



What you women have ndiko kudya kwedu so as men we are naturally inclined to hustle as hard as possible to get our fill. Lying is allowed. The unspoken code. It's not necessarily the lengths a man is willing to go. It's what motivates him to do so. In other words some men will do the sweetest, most romantic stuff ever, have you feeling all Michael Jackson #ThisIsIt and chuck a Usain Bolt after they get to sample the goodies. Why? That 'As Long As I Get To Dagger' mentality. But contrary to popular belief... not all men are like that. Other men prefer not to 'invest' anything at the hint of the mission getting tough. Those are the easy ones ladies, you don't have to worry about them because they leave on their own if you stand your ground long enough. Easy poundage is everywhere these days. For every 4 good girls who want a solid, committed relationship, there are 2 ratchets who will give it up for a Nandos 1/4 chicken meal.

You can't know for sure what someone's agenda is but at times warning signs are there. Are you realistic enough to see them?
Another Saturday afternoon and inevitably as always the discussion turns to men and it's another pity party from a single sister. Of course it is only right for her to ask aloud 'Why am I single?' Right? WRONG! After much debate and discussion I think we need to shed a little light here. I know a lot of beautiful, intelligent and good women who are still single and I was quite puzzled until I came to the shocking truth that some of these women are 'undateable'.
















I know some of my sisters are thinking, 'No this heifer just did not...' I think it's time we served up some truth pie and got the truth out there. If you are single and your reality is you do not want to be single, you may have sat down with your girls and had a long ass conversation of why men are such &@!#$. A few glasses of wine later and screaming 'To hell with men!', half your girls went home to their men and you went to bed alone eventually waking up with nothing but a horrible hangover. 2 years down the line - you are still single and I bet you half the time you are wondering why. So I'm here to help because I want to see you happy and all loved up with your man some day. Here are a few reasons why you are still alone:

Call me pushy - The truth really is some women can be downright pushy. It's like a spoilt brat mentality: MY WAY or just hit the highway. Most my single sisters have a beautiful script written out of how the whole relationship will play out and this guy must step into the picture and follow through. From the word go the expectations are one sided and even if the brother jumps through hoops to make you happy, you are not satisfied. It's all about YOU. If you keep pushing, you will push the poor man away and end up alone. #NdoFact yacho - wake up sweetheart it's a team sport this dating business.

You don't believe in YOU - Don't you just hate hanging around people with a 'victim' mentality? A lot of single girls love throwing these long pity parties which entail them explaining why they are destined to die alone. They don't believe they are pretty enough' have enough boobs or curves or confidence. One girl said to me 'Dai ndine your body I would get a man.' They walk around with this huge FEEL SORRY FOR ME sign. Now why would anyone date you? Girlfriend it's time you woke up and realized that you are a woman. Halle Berry figure or not you are a woman and nothing screams YOU NEED ME to a man than a woman who believes her worth and herself. Can you stop the pity parties and get a bucket of confidence?















Miss Desperate - The moment a guy says hie watonamira paari kunge a leech. By the time you exchange BBM pins you are shooting daggers at any woman who smiles at him. Hold up sister. We can't be latching on to every man that walks our way. Men have the uncanny ability to pick up when a woman is desperate and once they do vanorova marata havaregi. Desperation will push you to look at every man around you as a potential suitor and it will lead you to 20 heartbreaks a year. Desperate women do silly things. If you find yourself in a never ending circle of being used check how you are coming across to the men around you.

Call me the punisher - Now just because Trymore who you dated when you were 16 broke your heart and cheated on you suddenly every man is a dog? Since then you are one angry woman out to punish every man for Trymore's mistake. Right as much as you believe you are owed justice not every man is Trymore. Every good man you meet you set out to explain to him why you will never trust him and he will eventually cheat. You are mean and really cause the poor brother more headaches than he needs. Stop punishing and let all that anger go. And really by now probably Trymore doesn't remember you.



I hate being alone - You need to be comfortable in your own skin and by yourself. Being alone helps you understand what you want and need. If you can't be alone once you get into a relationship you will be the girlfriend that is forever calling and asking the man 'Urikupi?' All my coupled up sisters you know that one friend who is always complaining that you neglect her? Flip the script will she ever not do that to a man she dates? Fact is she will do the same and no man wants to feel like he inherited a child instead of a partner. Be ok with being alone.

Serious case of PARANOIA - I will stand by these words: GOD gifted women with a wonderful sense of creativity. However, sometimes it is borderline psychotic. Some single sisters believe they are mind readers and when John says he will call at 6pm but only calls at 6.05pm trust me she has run down 20 reasons why he hadn't called. Top of the list you are seeing another girl, you asked out another girl, you are with another girl and you are a lying scum bag. Yes in 5 minutes she will have painted a vivid picture of why it took you 5 minutes to call her. Do yourself a favour see a shrink or really quite honestly chill out chick.

An over-imaginative brain will get a man thinking you are a psycho & many single sisters seem to have the knack of behaving like such.

Take a deep breath and re-read 'i hate being alone'.
















Miss Confused - Some single sisters are confused. They loudly declare "I don't need a man, I can do me all by myself." Now meet up with her a few days later she's saying "Inga zvenyu askana, I wish I had a man too." Now if you can't make up your mind who will date you? Be very sure of what you want and stick to your guns. Please note anaDenzel Washington / Will Smith type of guys is not a selection criteria. It's not all about being with someone, it's about being with someone who you actually would choose 20 times over. If you have no clue what that is relax till you know.

















You have 'ratchet' tendencies - Ermmm I'm trying to find a proper way of saying this but some single sisters are ratchets. You dress like one, you talk like one and you behave like one. You have at least 20 pictures on your Facebook page in some state of nudity and seem to upload more constantly. Of course it may be premature to judge you on all this but after 10 albums entitled 'Mafaro' I seriously don't think any man wants to take the chance of near heart attacks with your many 'male friends' commenting on what a tight ass you have. Your profile pictures also seem to resemble a wannabe porn star with boobs all over the show. Funny enough you declare that you a sweet girl. Actions speak louder than words. Kana kari kashavi kadzinge and you should see results.

I am not domesticated - You can't cook or clean and your excuse is you never got round to learning. You have relied on takeaways and microwave meals most of your adult life and because of your diet choices you are of the resolution that sadza is fattening and has too many carbs. Every single man on earth loves being looked after especially by his woman. Now if you can do wonderful gymnastics in bed - good for you but that alone won't keep a man. Learn how to cook and learn how to clean. It's quite easy actually and being domesticated will not reduce your career woman, go-getter drive.

By now I will assume that there are two camps of females: The ones saying 'That's the truth' and pane vamwe vaboiler ne shungu who are planning a retaliation and a full page sermon on who the hell I think I am. Well honestly it's neither here nor there but at least I'm telling you the truth.

Hanzi akuruma nzeve ndewako...



Women have some of the most unsportsmanlike conduct in the game. I kid you not.

CLASSIFICATIONS:




















Pretentious BFFs - You gotta give it up to women for having talent. Acting talent. Face to face they are true BFFs; inseparable, go to the bathroom together, trash talk their exs, share mascara and whatever. Have you seen how quickly that can graduate to 'that b****, anofunga kuti anoshamisira ndosaka achitorerwa murume pese pese'? Sad.

The Other Woman - You would think with the way women complain about men's tendencies to be unfaithful, that they would have some form of code that bars any woman from giving males direct/indirect ammo in their quest to pound as many snatches as possible (without getting caught or suffering detriment). If anyone should understand the pain women go through in love and relationships, it's another woman. How... really, how on earth does one woman knowingly/purposely/deliberately get into an affair with another woman's husband/fiancee/boyfriend/lover and be okay with that? Besides thirsty men, that is exactly what has given rise to the Small House Phenomenon... the women who are fine with sharing a man as long as he provides what she needs be it financial, physical, emotional or a combo. You call us men dogs therefore we are... but why... why on earth do some of you let that happen in the first place by being the other woman? If the womanly code was that strong y'all could have us on a leash by now...



Information Abuse - History should generally guide you in knowing that not everyone will celebrate your achievements, care about your pitfalls, want to hear your family gwans, listen to you whine about your ex or your problems with your man. Some people will use that information against you to gain ground for themselves. If you have read 'The Cheating Woman' by Tariro Gurupira you will know how Elizabeth knew Mildred's shortcomings so well that they became an advantage for her in attracting Phil (Mildred's husband). I call this 'The Loophole Effect'. Again, in reference to the Small House Phenomenon, ever wondered why small houses staying winning? Coz those items know where the Main House is no competition and they capitalise on that. As a woman you should know exactly why small houses are what they are so that they never get in your way. It's not always a relationship thing but hateration comes in different forms. Women hate. A lot.

TRUST NO OTHER WOMAN WITH YOUR SENSITIVE ISH (Mothers excluded).


Grand Theft Auto - I think some feminines like to lose first before winning. Only so that they never make the same mistake again. Some just seem drawn to losing because they never learn. If your man is a beast in bed and each time you reach the promised land you have an insatiable urge to brag about it, don't you ever cry foul when one of your close friends, general friends, 'not-so-friends' friends, cousins or should I say people you can constantly brag to, ends up stealing your man. Jealousy exists and it does not exclude friends and family. The height of this for me was that story about the 2 sisters in Harare who ended up slamming the same dude and it got nasty with knives, tyre slashing and the lot. Sisters daggering the same nigga damn it! I bet you it all started when whoever got him first bragged about how good he was. You don't dangle meat in front of a hungry lion and expect it not to do something about it. So yea, keep the juicy details to yourself. Murume anoenda wakatemba and don't think just coz you believe you are God's gift to Sub-Saharan Africa, that friend of yours doesn't stand a chance since she is nowhere near as pretty as you are. The confidence that some ugly women pack can K.O beautiful women 10 fold. They understand quality vs quantity. You are the worm on the hook, she is the one who gets to go home with the fish. L.

#BeCareful

So as the world revolves we are have all evolved into someone's ex. Yes you are currently dating someone he/she dated and she is dating someone she dated and your exs ex is reading this right about now. It's the one title that comes with the territory and it's the one territory you must adhere to the set etiquette or you will have some issues. Let me elaborate.

In my whimsical by gone youth I used to have this very insane idea of inviting all my exs to my wedding in a bid to show just how friendly we where and how we had parted ways amicably. Now forgive me for being naive and as I was once told I seemed to be living in a little bubble all by myself. Now no matter how amicably or not you part ways with an ex there is still one party that is somewhat bitter and angry. This can be covered by a multitude of I don't cares and I don't give a damn but the anger is because you care.

Okay so I'm not here to help you over the threshold of pain and how you can deal with the bitterness, anger and pain you may or may not be holding on to but this post was inspired by a good friend of mine who asked these questions on Facebook:

Would you donate a kidney to your ex?

How would you handle the following situation: Your partner who has not worked for months gets a job but it has been organised by their ex and they will be working closely.

At what point do you draw the line as to what connection you reserve and have with an ex? Now if you are part of a couple and you have had the pre-relationship talk (Thank you Mr Kunakirwa) and the issue of exs have been discussed you will have agreed or disagreed to cut all connections with the past and start on a fresh page. There really is no use dragging a huge chunk (human being) with you into the future. After much thought I realised there has to be an etiquette guide as to how to handle your ex and here it goes:

Keeping tabs on your ex - When you break up with someone there is always a little part of you that wants to find out if they did better or worse without you. Yes come on just admit it and a huge part of you wishes they epically fail; grow fat and become very unattractive. As much as the desire to see their 'imminent downfall' eats at you; don't keep tabs on them. Don't follow up and find out if they eventually got that degree and where they are now working etc etc etc. Let go and move on for the sake of your life and these might just be borderline stalker tendencies you are developing.


Friends on Facebook / Twitter / LinkedIn / Skype or wherever - The first question I will ask you: What do you still have to discuss with them? The conversation will always go down the path of trying to figure out why you broke up. And one of you will say the dreaded words I miss you; then the next thing you are reminiscing on when you went to Gold Reef City mese and when you visited this person and that person and the first kiss etc. Right about now would be a good time to smack you! Hanzi 'Matakadya kare haanyaradzi mwana!' Don't be in their space and live your life separate of their Facebook status updates. The sad truth is every picture you see on Facebook will show them looking very happy and healthy WITHOUT YOU.

Friends - I never understood this one till quite recently. For the love of peace and harmony you and your partner must not share friends. The reason is very simple the day you break up it's like a divorce and the unspoken argument is who keeps Tim or Vanessa. Quite honestly your friends do not need the drama. Keep your friends separate and this will save you future break up stress when you end up at the same party and you are single and they are not.

Calling or Texting - Even if you have all the airtime in the world. Please do not call your ex. Yes even if you miss them / drunk dial them or just 'happen to do it by mistake'. Delete their number and move on. All that text you will send will say when your ex reads it is: "I'm lonely and miserable since you left me. HELP!" Yes even if all you write is 'Hey you long time no speak.' Please go and be miserable and get over it and not text.



Sex - Ladies and Gents no matter how fantastic it was, even if you spoke in tongues please can we stop the sex with the ex. It's like drinking something, spitting it out and then drinking it again. This is incredibly distressing especially when your ex actually has another partner. Besides the possibilities of being found in bed with them and getting the life beaten out of you. The best you ever had is just you and your paranoia. Technically speaking it probably wasn't that good (lol). AND YES SLEEPING WITH YOUR EX WHILE YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE ELSE IS CHEATING AND IT'S NOT A MISTAKE!



Family - Now this one is where a lot of females are culprits. So while you and your ex were dating you met his mother, sisters, aunts and it became like you were part of the family. Alas, things didn't work out and now you have parted ways. Why do you still visit his family? Seriously the connection you had is over so why are you acting like you are part of the furniture? Don't visit. Don't call. Don't attend birthday parties. Don't cook for them - just don't! Nothing you do can convince your ex to take you back in fact this will infuriate the hell out of them. Go and adopt another family.


Rebound - It's amazing that only when you are single and lonely you 'suddenly' realise how hot your ex was. Abeg it's paranoia! Your ex is still the same person you broke up with for the same reasons you could not stand about them. Now if you get trapped into playing the rebound game a part of you will always hold on to some belief that this time it will be better. You could do this for years and the truth is you will still get to the point or issues that made you break up and chances are faster than the first time. Don't be the rebound chick/guy. It's all just an ego boost for the other person.


Favours - So your ex rolls into your town and alas 'they have nowhere to sleep' and you happen to be the only person they could think of who could help. Hold your horses before you become the Good Samaritan. Picture this: You and your ex in the same house for 3 days. Unless you are both blind this will lead to trouble. Bless you and your white cotton socks for having a good heart but this is you courting trouble and it will not end well. Direct them to the nearest and cheapest hotel and get a good night's sleep - guilt free.

Lending - Don't lend your ex money, your car or anything. Just be a little Scrooge and say no. This is a serious tip for the fellas, don't do it because chances are you will never get that money back and you are being used. Yes some of you who keep getting calls from your ex; take my advice and block that chick. You are her walking ATM. #FACT

So yes I'm coming across as the cold-hearted one right now but you have been warned. Exs are like a virus once you open the door they will infest your life and never leave. It would be very sticky trying to explain why your ex sent you a birthday present to your current partner.

Now this is a personal request please do not terrorize your exs current partner. Hezvo kondiye akatadzei? Let them be! My sisters let that chick be. They got your leftovers. That's life - let it go. Ndostalker behaviour yatambotaura iya; it will end you up in jail.

I will never understand humans we seem attracted to shooting ourselves in the foot continuously in the hope that it will not hurt this time. They say only a fool does the same thing and expects different results.

Now a little advice: The only sure way you know that you are over your ex is when you can't recall their number by heart, don't feel no anger, hatred or evil thoughts towards them. Once you get to this stage then you are well on your way to freedom lol

Till next time darlings ....


If any of the situations below apply to you, please buy a new B.S detector. The one you possess clearly doesn't work.















PLACEHOLDERS: The type that want to do everything people in a relationship do; hang out, talk for half an hour on the phone daily, see each other 4 times a week, grab the occasional lunch, go for movies, window-shop together, have semi-deep conversations where she tells you her problems, cuddle. Sweet huh? Then you think 'what's the catch', right? No relationship, no extras. You think she doesn't know this? Wrong. Anoziva kuti you will never dispute anything. She suggests you go for a movie. You pay. She says lunch. You pay. At best she gets you a $3.50 coffee at Starbucks, a croissant and a hug. She stay winning nigga *Kanye voice* She gets maximum benefits and the emotional fulfillment she needs as if she had a man, only that you are not her man bruv. You are her toy. She is mentally raping your ass senseless and getting what she wants without giving you jack. She prolly doesn't like you as much as you think she does. In other words you are the voluntary worker who isn't getting paid for adding value to the company + to add insult to the injury you can't even include the experience on your CV... the cum that was held back by the rubber, you ain't going nowhere son.

Inputs :- Maximum Emotional Investment, Financial investment, Bucket loads of Time.
0% Return on Investment blud. Didn't even break-even.
You just copped an L.


CONVENIENCE BOYFRIEND: Now comes those that you are actually in a relationship with, you hang, you kinda get along, you get sex (whenever she allows it) and they seem to like you all the more when it's convenient for them. 90% of the time haana airtime so she can't call you. Ukamutengera, yapera in a few hours coz she had to 'call her Mum urgently kuZim'. When she does call you it's a story about how anonotswa kuBaby shower yeshamwari yake and 'please ndiendesewo, i wasn't even going to ask but if you can sweetheart'. Promises to do all this and that for you. Never delivers. She calls you 'babie' when she wants you to pick up a bottle of wine at Majestic Wine then take it to her cabin. Ashorterwa nemari because her employers paid her late. Guess who will subsidise that sh*t? One thing is straight, you will spend money on a feminine come rain, hail or sunshine. Waunoda, wausingadi, long term, short term... money shall be spent. But if you find yourself always doing stuff for her... and she is 'almost' doing stuff for you but something always happens at the last minute... you are being played son. Yea, 'I left your birthday present at my friend's house but i should be going there next week.' Some women are built just for those situations. BUT to be fair, some dudes are dumb enough to let it happen. She will milk you dry and without any restraint in her expenditure. No remorse.

Outputs :- Accumulated negative bank balance, Wear and tear + mileage on automobile, Emotional drainage, Lost time, Traumatic sexual experiences.
Return on Investment = 0%.
FAIL NIGGA. EPIC FAIL.














SPARE WHEEL: You like this girl. She got a man. Unokanda shoko or attempt to but wobhambiswa. She leaves you hanging, hanzi 'I think you are a nice guy, you never know what the future may hold.' You hold your breath. When everything is all hunky dory with that man of hers she doesn't even have your number saved in her phone. You text her and she replies 'Who dis?' followed by an explanation as to how she lost her phone and all the numbers in it. A couple of months down the line, they fight and her FB is filled with emotionally driven words. Even changes her relationship status to single. Next thing she is poking you and sends that 'Hey you. It's been a while' text. 'When are we catching up for that lunch? I finished exams i'm now free.' She wasn't even writing exams. You asked her out to lunch 8 months ago. She doesn't like you in that way. He isn't giving her attention and now that she is feeling lonely you are the dude that popped up in her mind. Chaari kuda kuita, kurakidza her dude that she still got it and akabwaira other men are ready to 'treat her like a queen'. Then zi-i. Dzimwe 4 months munhu nya, she doesn't even remember your first name buddy and is more in love with the next oan than ever. This is a cycle that happens every so often. She isn't leaving her man for you any time soon. Forget the amount of ass you coulda had in that time from other willing chicks. Washandiswa mzaya. Uri small house yake. Spare wheel. Tyre rinongobuda kana rimwe raponja.

Negative R.O.I bruv.
You can't be saved.

#thatisall

You like each other. You hang out, you talk... a lot. What is this? Where is this going? Butterflies in your tummy. Then you decide to have 'that conversation.' That conversation where you kinda reveal your cards. You let him know you want love. He lets you know he likes an independent woman. You talk about the stuff you will not tolerate in a relationship (probably in reference to your ex who did you gangsta - these ones usually begin with 'I once dated this guy....'). Maybe he tells you he wants the physical side of a relationship to be a prerequisite. You tell him to wait and it will come. Yardi yardi bla bla.














I call it the 'PRE-RELATIONSHIP TALK'. An absolute necessity in consideration of entering a relationship with anyone. Possibly the final stage of negotiation before entering into a binding agreement. I particularly recommend this to avoid those 'we never agreed to that' situations. I know some men like to use this one to wriggle their way out of certain situations and best believe it works like a charm. Say for example everything seems fine, you call each other every day, you even end up in the same bed sometimes but there was never any real verbal agreement involved. Likelihood will prolly have the chick thinking 'its a relationship' and depending on the dude involved... 'they just kicking it.' (S/O Miss Diaspora thanx for the ammo). Obviously the girl would feel victimised after that. So if she wants to avoid such an outcome she would insist on having the Pre-relationship Talk. In a nutshell: state what you want and expect from him if he is going to date you and he states what he wants and expects from you. Then DEFINE the next step.

Other topics i'd recommend you touch on: Exs. Here i don't mean that person you dated when you were 18 and thought this was it but it didn't work out anyway. Screw that. Tese takabva neko with teenage whirlwind romances and heartbreaks. I'm talking the real stuff. Wouldn't you like to know how long their longest significant relationship was? What made them break up with their exs? How many exs they've had? This stuff can be pretty revealing i tell you. You don't have to ask every question under the sun, no. Tact #thatisall. For all you know they could have 12 'exs' in the last year and a half, in that case if you still wanna date them then errrrmmmm check yourself. At the same time i'm sure there are people saying 'vachanyepa about the stats anyway'. And akanyepa? Good. You can then have a basis in the future to call dishonesty if you ever find out the truth. Grounds to void the contract due to deceptive conduct. That is why the Pre-relationship Talk is essential. Bullshitting your way through it will come back and bite your ass.




Not every Pre-relationship Talk leads to a relationship. Why? Conflicting interests, ideas etc etc. And here and there you will always come across the 'I like you but I'm not interested in a relationship right now' answer. Now coming from a woman, whatever that means i'll let Miss Diaspora handle it if she wants to one day.




However when a man says he is not interested in a relationship that it could mean:

Ndine musikana but this is me saying if you slip and let me hit that fine ass of yours, i will TEAR IT UP. No questions asked.
or
Honestly? You are cool to hang with and what not but are nowhere near an acceptable standard of daggeration. I'd rather not commit myself to you in any way. Maybe on alcoholic influence something might happen. Short explanation: you are ugly, maybe not 'sexy' like that.
or
You are not my version of relationship material. Handisi kunyatsokuFeela. Instead of hurting your feelings with that kinda word, i'd rather make it seem like errrmmmm 'my fault'.
Or
I am emotionally unavailable i.e don't really want something serious... with YOU.

THE REACTION

Available options to the feminine:
Graciously accept that homeboy is not interested like that, count your losses and move on. Remaining 'close' friends doesn't help.
Or
Try to change his mind and convince him that this is worth a try.
Or
Because she feels that she can give him what he wants, she accepts his 'no relationship' stance as a front for the grand plan: while in this undefined zone sweep him off his feet into a world of romance and love where he can't live without her then eventually that relationship is inevitable.


The last option is setting yourself up for an L. Unfortunately a good number happen to do so regardless. The likelihood of homeboy 'suddenly' feeling that you are worth it and changing his mind? I wouldn't put my money on that. You can do everything you think a good woman should be. It most prolly won't work. And if he begins to show signs of increased interest? That is not hope for you. He prolly realises that you kinda desperate now. A MAN KNOWS WHEN HE IS BEING CHASED. Perfect chance for hit and run poundage. In your head you have already developed a vision of how well this will go, calculated the meaning of his moves and have been dying to get him to touch you anyway so you let him hit it. After a few poundage sessions he hits you up on that 'maybe this was a bad idea' type steez. What a shame... Some have surprisingly tried to use poundage as a means of 'keeping' a man coz they think theirs is uuummmm 'the best'. Yea... go ahead let's see if your cooch has super powers.

Now most guys I know dread the mention or even the notion of being introduced as 'just a friend.' It's with disgust and contempt that they will always lash out and ask a female if all they really are is just a friend. Now we never created this zone and like most women we like to be very organised hence if you find yourself in the friend zone the reality is we are boxing you in and putting a little order in our lives. It's just the same with how a porcupine shoots out it's spikes. It's all about DEFENCE!!!


















The reality guys that you need to accept is as females we catch feelings and we catch them like the flu. It will start with drinks after work; then you SMSing randomly to ask me about my day; then we are having dinner 3 nights out of 7; then we chilling at your place or mine; then I'm making you dinner. Right at this point the alarm signals go on and the first question every girl asks herself is 'What if we did date?' Then you know it's trouble because from that moment every word you will say is leading to coupledom and in most cases even an innocent 'I miss you' turns into something else and the butterflies start fluttering and the hearts racing etc etc etc. Now suddenly you look at the brother through rose coloured glasses and you notice his dimples and how he smiles. This is a simple case of feelings being caught.

Now my grown sisters immediately pull the brakes and we get technical and we ask hard questions. If we realise that this could get tricky and you, my dear brother, are not making the relevant signs: we package you and box you up into the FRIEND ZONE. In our brains you move from the cutie I could kiss to my brother and best friend.





The only way we can cement this is simple:

*I do not dress up to see you - chero ukasvika at mid day you will find me in my PJs.
*I will ask you to hook me up with your best mate.
*I will be very unlady-like in your presence - I will act like one of the boys for the heck of it.
*I will shoot down every reason why you would date me.
*I will say I hate everything you are looking for in a potential partner.

It sounds very stupid, I know, but it's like a cleansing process. Putting you off so we don't fall head over heels in love with you only to eventually end up by ourselves.

Most guys wake up one day and realise they are in the FRIEND ZONE when we put them there MONTHS ago. Trust me women are very calculating (yes in every area of a relationship). This is where my brothers you fascinate me - suddenly you want a relationship but it took you 4 months to get to this stage. I might sound controversial right now but quite honestly if you had told me from the get go what you wanted you wouldn't be in the FRIEND ZONE. It's pointless to chill and be all homie like if you like the chick. If you like her - JUST ASK HER OUT. Don't delay and don't kick it.


Another reason you might find yourself in this zone is you are TOO NICE. Yes I said it TOO NICE. Women the world over want a man who is A MAN. Who can be tough, make decisions & tell you what he wants upfront. That is an attraction factor; Baba vemusha, Shewe, Daddy (now you females better not be cringing because we know some of y'all say it lol). Yes I said it we want a man who can be a man. Kwete kuti everything I ask for you give; every demand is a go ahead. It becomes boring. Now please bear with me I'm not saying go off & become an orge; not in the least but don't be a walk over. When a woman can run the show & the male - female balance is turned; we lose interest & we box you very quickly into the friend zone.

Some of you will end up in the FRIEND ZONE because quite honestly I would NEVER EVER date you even if I was paid to. I know guys and girls can be mates but if you tell me of every single girl you have ever slept with and how you just hooked up with her because she had a nice ass / boobs / legs. Chances are if I date you I will end up as a statistic. Hence no thank you. I will not ever look at you as the guy I could possibly date. Besides the fear of being talked about, the STD scare would keep me very far from you; so for the sake of humour in my life; I will keep you around but you will be just a friend.

Let me help you here my brothers, once you sense that you are slipping into this zone, do yourself a favour and state simply and clearly that you do not see her as a friend. Always make it known that if the opportunity presented itself you would and will ask her out. By opportunity I do not mean in the next 5 years. Make your move and strike the iron while it's still hot. Now if she has been your best friend for 9 years you have a bigger problem on your hands because no woman ever wants to feel like a default choice especially when she has since you go through numerous relationships. You have to bring your A game because this one will not budge easily. Asi I have to ask a question, why did it take you 9 years?

The last few reasons a female will put you in this zone is because genuinely quite honestly she does not like you and you don't tickle her fancy. And really to be honest I'm getting close to you so I can get access to your mate John. The only way he would notice me is if I'm around you 24/7. So yes sue us but we are cunning creatures. The other reason could be I need back up when we go out because other dudes are always on my case, so you are like a token body guard. Another cold hard fact is well I want to make that other guy jealous so why not have you around? Another one is maybe you are just dependable like that, whatever I need you are always there. That midnight cab driver after me and my girls go dancing; that guy who always gives me a little cash and never expects it back and the guy I can go and cry my eyes out to when my relationships end or just a CUDDLE BUDDY - I'm your friend in winter, no strings attached.














I only deliver brutal honesty fellas and that is the long and short of it. As for my girls well it's time they knew that two can play the game.

Until next time.....

P.S. Dude, if she been calling you 'friend' with emphasis for the past few months press DELETE and move on...
Lemme cut straight to the chase here, there are some things we need to address. Some men are counting on apologies way too much. Instead of dropping tears every time she wants to leave you because you messed up AGAIN, consider acting right. Don't claim to be acting right yet you are only doing better at concealing your miscellaneous activities. That girl is not stupid. So listen up good.







Honesty - haa boyz dzangu this is the one thing chinonetsa pakati pedu. Lying about where you are, what you are doing... nani. Asking muTop shatta wako kuti audze madam kuti muri mese but 'waenda pamashops apo unodzoka manje manje.' From the onset DO NOT LIE to your woman bruv. Honesty is a great foundation for a relationship and she expects it. If you won't do it for yourself... do it for her. The only time i excuse dishonesty is when she has changed dresses 4 times and you are running late so you need to get her ass moving when she asks "Does this one look good on me?" Just say 'Yes!' homie. On a real though make it a habit to be honest even when it hurts or you don't know how she will react. Call it insurance...


Flirting - We think it's harmless. Is it really? BBM, WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter... kwaakuzoBlocka madam hanzi 'i need my space.' Space from your boo? Nigga what? GTFOH! YOU WANT A PLATFORM TO PLAY YOUR GAMES WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT. Okay fine so some women let it slide but as far as i'm concerned zvinobuda chete. Even the old 'ndoDeleter text ichipinda' trick has no power against a woman kana ada kuiwana nyaya pauri mdhara. Women invented CSI; keyloggers, GPS, 24x Zoom Cameras, Password hackers you name it, i bet a woman did it. Technology will be the death of you.










Acting macho - i don't know how many times i've seen dudes try to flex their macho side on their women. There is being a bully and being macho. Big difference. Where do we get such habits from? I'm sure the ladies have encountered the 'ndiri kuenda kubhawa but iwewe hapana kwauri kuenda' scenario with some men. Not only is it unfair but it's unnecessary. Who do you want that woman to be with through the night iwe uchibata hako joy kumaraini? You don't want a woman anoenda kumabhahwa? Lead by example tsano!

Bits and pieces - framed photos with pink hearts round the edges, flowers, 'i love you so i cooked for you' lunches, 'you cook for me daily so let me cook for you nhasi wo' dinners, chocolates, surprise weekends away, do the laundry, tsvaira muden 1 day, stop flirting with ratchets and use that iPhone to create a vlog for her telling her that you miss her asipo. Don't ask why just do it.

Mistake or habit - hapana asingatadzi in a relationship. Sometimes you mess up, you apologise then you keep it moving but kana waakuti mangwana mangwana same mistake ko yava ipi iyi? Women don't need to say much, they watch you... closely. There will come a time when she will get fed up and i guarantee you YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT.

Exs - okay so just for the ladies who didn't know this. A lotta Zim men keep exs close because its the easiest sex you can get. I read somewhere that some women find it okay to sleep with an ex coz he already been in it so they don't consider it an issue (or cheating sometimes). Men love that. Thank you... Okay back to the fellas. Never justify your ex being a bit too regular in your life to your current boo when she isn't down with that just because she is your ex. That's insulting otherwise dzokeranai.

Cheating/Lust/Ruchiva/Meso Meso - i respect a lot of men from western cultures, they are relatively honest and well behaved. They stick to that one woman and it begins from early ages as well. You can't even discuss cheating with those oans, wega unonzwa nyadzi. Back in the day it seemed okay to have a couple girlfriends uri 16, it was all child's play right? Except that uuuummmmm fast forward 8 years later you are still just randomly 'ending up' with more than one woman at the same time. THAT IS WRONG. The basic issue is ruchiva, kuda zvinhu. If you had an ounce of respect for your woman you would appreciate that other women are fine, cool, but be sensible enough to bypass that coz wako ariko kumba uko. If you want casual sex get a partner who wants an open relationship. You think she gave you her heart for you to trample all over it with your selfishness??? But wait... how would YOU react if she had a few boyfriends round the way and when you ask she says 'It was just sex.'









If we gave our ladies even 50% of the effort we put into sports (Dembare muriko here uko?), hoes and other activities they would be happier and in essence WE would be very happy. You give something you get double back, women got our backs like that. Kwete kuti now that you have messed up waakuda kumhanya mhanya acting all sweet buying her presents that only serve as a reminder of 'that time he cheated naNhingi'. You think she wants to see that present anywhere near her space? Too little too late homie. Remember, mubate zvakanaka because someone is always watching and ready to step up on your slacking. Don't blame her if she leaves and zvinorwadza kuzomuona achifara nemumwe muface who is treating her like a queen yet you coulda been the one hittin that. Think on that. SHE IS NOT STUPID.

Recommendations: Try kuendawo kuChurch boys.

I know people have faults and we are not all perfect but can I just pull up a platform here and speak to the brothers. I get that men need to be treated well; respected; loved etc etc etc. This would all be a little easier if men kept their end of the bargain and did well by the women they have. Maybe times have changed but brothers you are falling way below the expected performance line and, YES we do have expectations.

Lately when I sit down with my Zim Sisters we all seem to hover around a very simple yet basic issue that guys do not seem to be getting. Can we redefine what a man's role is in a relationship? Taneta nekunzi hatigoni kuchengeta varume but hold up it seems y'all don't know how to look after us. I'm tired of men who say they look after us when in actual fact you are doing jack! And no this is not a gold digger mentality but come on BE A MAN!

So from the word GO, y'all step up to us weaving sweet nothings in the air about how you are about to make my dream love life a reality. Trust me honey, we've heard every single corny line before but we choose to humour you because some of you are ridiculous. Let me give you some examples:

- Handidi kuti uite mskana wangu ndoda kuti uite mbuya vevazukuru vangu *insert smirk and side eye here*
- Bhebhi ukandida uchaoona denga pano pasi because love yandinayo so-o for iwewe unongonzwa! Kana kurara handirare sha *really?*
- Sha iwewe ka ndokanda paKitchen no doubts! Kuti chero pandoroora ndoti Baba vako vaCharger dziri nzou * tibvirwe hedu apa*
- Sha I think your clothes and my clothes would look good together in the same wardrobe *ahhhhh LOL*

Long story short there is no line you can ever use that has not been used or attempted. We know it all and yes we know that it's all lies. So fine I humour you and you look cute in those jeans and your voice well yeah I don't mind you calling me every so often. So fine yes I accept your offer and I am now officially your girlfriend.












So zvachata yeah can we get some ground rules here because guys you are dropping the ball.

1. Calling - Before I said yes; dude you called like my number was a toll free line. Dude waiita kunge your Dad owned Telecel and NetOne. Suddenly you don't call and you only call when you want to come over. Ko kungoti, 'Nhai sweetie how's your day going?' It's not rocket science is it? Yes we love attention; we are women. That is just how we are made. Pick up the phone and call!


















2. Cooking - Right can we get one thing straight - just because I'm dating you IT DOES NOT MEAN I OWE YOU a cooked meal daily/weekly/monthly. If I ever cook for you it's because I really just wanted to. So please do not be telling me that because I can't cook I'm not being a good girlfriend to you. When you met me you did not ask if I would cook for you so don't be suddenly expecting me to turn into a Master Chef. Plus you don't even buy upfu kana maVeggie!

3. Dates - Ok so yes I expect to be taken out to movies; dinner or the theatre. Kwete kuti from day 1 to day 20 we go out then for the duration of the relationship we don't go anywhere. You better believe I love being taken out and spoilt. Trust me if you don't someone else will and we don't want to go down that route. Kana coffee zvayo sha.

4. Phone - Right mkwasha before you I had a life and after you I will have a life so please during you I need my life. Can you stop asking me who is calling me? It's a phone and it's a means of communication. Suddenly phone yangu yakuiiswa maSanctions? Ngatisafarisa ka and if I even attempt to touch your phone it's a whole different story. So you have yours and I have mine - let's keep it as such.

5. Bills - Now I do not expect to be looked after ASI dude just offer wo! Ahh kana one day kunzi girl are you sure you got this? I mean at least come to the full circle fact that I have bills to pay and as Mr it would be nice even if you bought me a ticket for my weekly train route. Of course I might decline but at least show that you are willing to go the extra mile to make sure your girl is looked after.

6. Quality Time - Please note I am not a weekend slot in visit. I expect and NEED quality time and NO quality time does not mean us watching a Premiership game with you! At one point you could not be around me enough now it's like I'm a convenience. Aiwa ka! Yes I do want you to sit down with me and we talk about the weather; sports and how gorgeous I am. You will be amazed what a little time a day will do for you.

7. Disappearing Act - I don't get how we can be dating and you randomly disappear for days only to resurface on a Friday with a, 'Honey I'm home!' You will either find that the door will not open for you or a dog on your heels. Unless you forgot to tell me that you work on a cruise ship that docks weekly, don't give me that nonsense. If you disappear then trust me I can do just the same.

8. Sex - Right mkwasha let's get one thing straight. I AM NOT AN ATM. I do not dispense sex as and when you need it. And no I am not using sex as some power tool but really the sole purpose of me in your life cannot be sex. Yes at times we do feel used. You come to my house; eat my food that I cooked; bring your dirty shirts for me to wash; feed yourself; flop in front of my TV on my couch and then shag me in my bed on my sheets and turn around and say I don't know how to look after you! Hang on one second. I refuse to be treated like that. So yes I will refuse to sleep with you because you are just not treating me right!
So I ask again you call yourself a man? Hell no I don't think so.

If you decide to step up to a sister to and beg to be part of her life; have the decency to man up and act right. Yes we do have a long list of expectations and they are all not centred on money. If you cannot give this much then save the poor girl some effort and frustration and walk on. There is more to a woman than a fine ass and perky chest. We have needs just as much as you do and we will not sit back and remain unsatisfied because you are in your little heaven. Wakandiwana ndiri bho; ndiri hot and without a care in the world. Trust me what you saw; some other brother is checking out.

Sister's if he isn't bringing much to the table then scratch him on to the next! Taneta nekunzi hatigoni kukuchengetai imi musinga chengeteki!

Man up or leave me alone!

Now the age debate is one that i was never going to shy away from (eventually) and let's just say today seems to be the day thanks to one 'gandanzaramapfihwa' who absolutely refused to accept my lil 'argument', after the particular post on When that Zim guy is just not going to marry you about how female marketability 'declines' after a certain age. That age when the Zim male population don't quite look at you the same way anymore. 'Male perspective 101'. *clears throat*

"Now you've pegged females to expire at 28.. What? How? Why? What are you referring to here? Maturity? Sexual experience? Education? Hunhu/tsika? What? 28 who decided this? To maintain the balance tell us the expiry date yevarume... Here what I think it just so wrong to put an expiration date on females, I refuse to accept this!" - gandanzaramapfihwa


[**DISCLAIMER**]Let's get one thing clear, women DO NOT have an 'expiration date'. When you read this blog, context is VERY important, otherwise you will most likely get things twisted. Read. Understand. Don't just vent.

Moving on. No two women are the same so this is not about you getting to 28 and your boobs sag or getting wrinkles or getting rusty down there then Xolile is going down the same route when she reaches 28 as well. It doesn't work like that. As men we can look at a girl and simply tell kuti uyu achembedzwa nayo uyu. Those items that look 30 when they are 23... them types. So from that angle it's not that you start to look old at a certain age then hausisina chance. It's not about making women feel like if they get to 30 while single then they are doomed when it comes to marriage because hapana achada. It's not to say you cannot get a good man kwangosara maDesperado because you are the only one in your circle of friends who is 35 and not married. No rush ladies, take your time kuroorwa isn't a race.
















Kuma28/29 ikoko are simply the ages men begin to question your being single from a sceptical point of view. If you are 25 and single, men will not give a damn and will not even care WHY you are single to begin with. You could be the village bicycle that everyone ran through twice weekly since you were 14 but no one will mention that if they want to tap. Chances are we kinda know you are easy anyway and aren't even interested in getting serious with you so what the heck. As long as you aren't STD'd up or spreading 'The Magic' hell even if you are.. condoms babie! we can park bus mukati imomo for a few minutes, no worries. That one for another day but you get the point.


The real question inobvunzwa nevarume is why have other men avoided kukukanda paKitchen for that long????? To us men, it's about your journey prior to that point, the nitty gritties that led you to being single at *insert age here*. I won't even start with certain diaspora chicks vatinoziva kuti from 19 she has tasted mhando nemhando dzayo so she has a decade of plaques and accolades on the wall to prove it. Men can't live with that knowledge. If we love a woman, knowing that would be hurtful so we prefer not to even give it a chance. The reasons we come up with to alienate mabhebhi ati kurei are limitless. It could be insecurity. Maybe baggage yaunayo from previous relationships. You are prolly a nagging piece of work that thinks their sh*t don't stink. But wait... how about the possibility of you being that bad in bed? Other than that, many a Zim woman who clears the 28 year bar has felt some sort of pressure from family, maybe even a lil envy when seeing others vane mhuri dzavo and all. Not that you would admit it. But it is what it is. Some women are truly good women where zvakangorambawo and sadly tinongoita blanket judging. Ende varume tinoseka manje because faira rese ndiro parinobuda zvonzi 'Ahhh uyo? Akatiza kuSlough chabvondoka abatwa achihura iyezvino aakupinda chechi kutaimira maBrother'.


It's OUR insecurities as men that make us think that way and its not any woman's fault. Our solid game face is a front, we are scared of ending up with a woman who has more cons than pros. That's the truth. There is nothing more unsettling than a woman you can't trust to do right with her own body. That's a particular reference to the ratchets. S/O to you all and your thirsty habits. Anyhoo... Who then has the balls to think they can handle something that (supposedly) a good number of other dudes cannot? So what do we do? We filter out the possibility of ending up with Mai Muponesi or Miss Handinzwaro or Miss Ndine Zvinhu Zvangu or Miss Handitongwi Nemurume.

This is where the particular feminines in these 'Great Decline' situations who actually have issues, get it twisted most times; you can go to the gym, you can look fantastic, you can dress well, you can have a good job, a dope car and everything else in check EXCEPT YOU DIDN'T DEAL WITH THE ISSUES THAT MADE MEN SKIP PAST YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. Depreciation. That is where the problem is right there. It's not that every woman past 28 is a problem, NO. In the event that she is, us as men wanna avoid having to invite those issues into our lives so we stereotype. Unfair, i know but it is the safer option. The older you are, the deeper men will probe and the more hesitant we get. We are scared to think that those issues are now secured in your personal volt of gwans with no chance of finding a way out and thus making you near impossible to live with. Depreciation.


At the same time, ma'Single for too long' vanonetsa because they usually have a 1 letter perspective to life: 'i'. I this, I that... bla bla bla. Everything revolves around them. Can't risk it. Depreciation.Then comes the female side of our own families. YES... other females... your own type. Say i'm 34 and i tell my Mum about my 32 YO 'girlfriend'. Chances are she says 'Nhai mwanangu, kuti haana mwana iyeyu? Wanga washayawo anenge mudikiwo pamakore apa?'. Depreciation.


Our Zim society has not yet opened up to letting the age issue go, simple. A good number of both men and women are not yet as open to age just being a number. It's a clear double standard because men at 28 zvichikwira... hatina problem. That is why your marketability according to Zim men starts to go down in your very late 20s onwards and those very men, same age or older might prefer to make a long term plan with someone younger than you even if you still got that banging booty neFigure yakabatana zvinoitisa kuti Mai Brenda varidze tsamwa. Depreciation.


Till next time












So Kate Middleton married Prince William and unlike some 8 million people I did not watch a single moment of the wedding .Partly because I do not care and partly because there was just too much hype kind of like the Sean Kingston Zim Show (lol)

So I will assume that of the 8 million who watched a big chunk of these were women. The reason is simple enough we love the fairytale and we will get swept after away to some fantasy land and suddenly have our own dream weddings. Let me give you a virtual smack and tell you to wake up.

There is nothing wrong with day dreaming but to get caught up and think your life will be a fairytale is just plain silly. You are dating a real life male who is no prince and yes you will not have a Buckingham Palace themed wedding.















I know the guys get grilled a lot but come on ladies let's be real women here and lay out some simple truths we have chosen to ignore:

1.This is no Mills and Boon story - life is real and despite all that lovey dovey stuff we been feeding on since we where teens; real relationships are hard work and because your idea of romance is a little warped don't put pressure on the brother to be a novel hero. He's just Tawanda from Mberengwa who really likes you.

2. He is not a mind reader - Don't you just love it when you think something and someone does it? That happens once in a blue moon right; do not expect your man to read your mind. Unless you are dating muporofita kana n'anga. If you are a human you have a mouth hence speak; tell him exactly what you think or feel. 9 times out of 10 he has no clue what goes on in your head.

3. He is a full grown man - Now women love cuddling. Its our little thing we do and its something we crave. Now if you will visit Peter after 3 months of dating; at 8pm; in that dress that could pass for a top and flirt all night then say, "Let's cuddle" ermm my bad but girl catch a wake up. Peter does not want to cuddle. If you do not want not to cuddle don't visit a grown ass man and treat him like he's your 5 year old nephew.

4. He might get it wrong every so often - Men say they don't understand us and I don't half blame them . I don't understand half of the stuff that happens in my friends minds but we are still friends. So be kind when he doesn't get it right every time; when he does not get why you know exactly when you started dating and has no clue when he first said I love you. Be kind - he's a guy and most guys have wack memory banks.

5.There is no happily ever after - The man who actually makes a choice to marry you is not expecting sunny skies and flowers blooming daily. Real relationships are hard work and yes at times muchabhohwana but it doesn't mean he love you any less. Happily ever after starts after your first fight that's when you know if you can fight for your relationship.

So ladies you know I love y'all but can we stop dreaming of Cinderella dresses; him gazing adoringly into your eyes and flying you to Paris for an all expenses shopping trip; him reciting hours and hours of poetry to you and then acting like that dude from Brown Sugar and telling Sydney how he has always loved her. Stop!

No more dreams; you got a real life man and yes your wedding won't be televised worldwide. It would be nice but it won't.

You are not Cinderella.

Till next time

So it seems that we shall forever have this back and forth about Zimbos and dating etc etc etc. Now forgive a girl for sounding a bit bored about this topic but really boys can we move on? It's amazing that in our inadequacies you seem to be fascinated and drawn to us even more hence I once calmly commented to a friend of mine in the diaspora, "You guys hit imports when you are good and ready to settle down". They end up marrying some girl from back home because suddenly those in the diaspora are not good enough .... Really now? Can I loudly ask, "Taitamba nani ku diaspora kwacho? Isn't it all of you?" Who made you sadza the way your mother does when you wanted it? Miss Diaspora. Who had you laughing and reminiscing over the good old days when you where home sick? Miss Diaspora. Who kept YOU happy when it was below freezing in the British winter? Miss Diaspora. So suddenly I'm not good enough huh...really?

But I digress, in our patriotic stance and desire to keep the mother land alive, as a diasporian darling I have come to a very deep set conclusion. Some Zim men are just not worth dating. So forgive some of us for finding solace in the arms of another nationality but in essence,"Murume murume!" So hold up a few minutes while I give you 12 types of Zimbo men we will never date. You have to hand it to Zimbo men though it's either they are bipolar or they are a cocktail of Mr Jekyll and Hyde's.

1. Mr Social Network King - You don't leave the social networks alone e.g. Twitter and Facebook - Nhai mkwasha, do you have a job like a steady paying income earning job? I am amazed that some of these so called grown ass men spend every single day online, chatting and tweeting random thoughts that soon sound like pathetic pleas for attention. Now why would I date a man who cannot function outside an online persona? You clearly have too much time on your hands. He asks you to believe kuti online and in person he is a completely different person. Really so in essence you are either bipolar or you got split personality disorder. Ladies press next you don't' need to start receiving death threats from 5 of his so called 'lady friends'.

2. Mr Flirt - You flirt with everything and anything. He would flirt with your sisters if he could well if he hasn't already .Anything from the lady at McDonald's to the waitress at the restaurant .This man can't seem to not have it in him not to wink so pass some sexual innuendo .Once asked he says, "it's harmless fun". How can it be harmless when you blatantly refuse for me to do the same? Pfuurwawo mhan! Not every woman is starving for your attention. Ladies if you want to keep your blood pressure down stay clear of this one. Ndotype that date you and your best friend.

3. Mr Drunkard (Chidhakwa) - You drink from Sunday to Sunday. This dude has a standing arrangement with the local barmen, he's like the furniture a permanent fixture. Hell; they are just about to name a drink after him. He's just that regular. He has a reason to drink and his favourite line is, "Beer will never let me down." So why would I want to compete with a beer bottle? I am a full grown woman and do not have the time to be picking up your drunk ass when you have passed out. And no ladies this one will never change and how the hell do you kiss beer breath? YUCK!!!

4. Mr Can I come Over - You meet me on Monday you want to share my bed on Thursday. Now this dude you could seriously be confused that he is homeless. The first thing he asks about is where you stay and who you live with and that is followed in succession with, "So when can I come over?". Ndo maHit and Run, if you mistakenly invite him over one thing will lead to another and next week Monday you WILL be single again .He bed hops literally from one bed to the next and can tell you the colour sheets to at least four girls you know. Ladies unless you want to be catching "fleas "please let this one pass right on by.

5. Mr You Better Be Thankful You Have Me - You think every woman wants a piece of you and you constantly say it. Uyu ndiye akawoma madzimai. He thinks that when GOD created the world he made him specifically for Zimbo women. He will forever tell you about this girl and that girl that wants him and how he's drawn to you though because you are different. This guy is a walking billboard called: I need VALIDATION. He talks about him and him and him; you might be confused to think he has a twin. He will tell you what outrageous things women do just for his attention. Don't you hate men who need you to remind them that they are men? Next!!!

6. Mr Can I Have a Picture - You ask for pictures after chatting to me for all of what 1 hour? You would think this guy is some kind of freak. He asks for pictures and not just any pictures; of everything. You can't pass a comment without his saying,"Can I have a picture?". He will stalk your Facebook page and tell you about pictures you posted 3 years ago. There is no question here ladies unless you want to be involved with a picture freak on to the next. And yes it's not cute at all!

7. Mr F *** #%*# - You swear as if that's the only language you speak. Every sentence is punctuated by a swear word. I personally literally flinch. Really at your age you can't speak coherent English without sounding like a rap song gone bad? Even the simplest request has a swear word. Iwe, I would wash your mouth out with Perfection nedombo if I could. He can't even speak proper Shona or Ndebele. Ah please why would I even give you the time of day and ndotype that say, "Hey shorty wasup?" Tibvire apa ati ndonzi Shorty ndiani?

8. Mr I Will Never Settle Down - From the moment he meets you he is proclaiming that there is no woman he can ever settle down with .They are either not pretty enough; educated enough; don't have the right body or he just does not like her hands. Yes this is man has every excuse under the sun. Plus he's been hurt so many times and he can't trust women. Iwe ndiwe last born ye Zimbabwe here? Grow a pair dude! If you date this one beware you WILL lose your self esteem because you will never be good enough. He is never satisfied, funny though when you ask him, he isn't bringing much to the table anyway. You are dating the man, ladies not babysitting on to the next.

9. Mr I Like You But I Can't Meet You - Now social networks akatiparira. You literally meet 10 or so guys a day and you will strike up a conversation with 3 or 4 but there will be one who forever has an excuse why he can't meet you. Yes and a few Zimbo men who in most cases are in relationships have used this line countless of times. I am baffled at why they even attempt these online conversations if they never plan on meeting you. If he likes you that much ladies chero ari kuAfghanistan he will make a plan and meet you. Ukaoona akujamba jamba kunge a scratched CD - scratch him and move on.

10 .Mr Vakadzi vakadzidza Vanonetsa - You will never hear the end of this statement. Forgive us for wanting a better life at our own expense and forgive us for working ourselves into a sweat to get it. The moment you get that degree or PhD; poor John Zobha with his low self esteem starts belittling you because you got an education. This one irritates me to hell and back. Suddenly you are not wifey material and you are destined to be alone because he never finished his degree or dropped out of University. For once be proud that I choose to be an equal bread winner and not be a leech. Tendaiwo. If you come across this one run faster than a bat out of a cage and don't look back.

11. Mr Let's Just Kick It - You want the milk but you won't pay for the cow; the cheese or the milk even. This man wants all the perks of being in a relationship BUT will not be or define or qualify that you are in a relationship. He will come to your house and eat your food ; you will wash his clothes and he will even ask why you don't pick up your phone when he calls. BUT you are not dating that is his qualifying statement and the day you ask; "Ko mkwasha we are kicking it until when?" You will be told that you are seeking definition and formalisation quickly and he wasn't planning to marry you anyway. This happens after about 6 months of you acting like his girlfriend. If a man will not define what is happening or what he sees you as in his life amai pack and go in fact delete and erase from memory. You will forever be a side peice.

12. Mr I'm Over Zim Chicks - This one is my favourite. He has 2000 reasons why he will not date a Zimbo chick but he will forever be running after Zimbo chicks. He will date every other nationality under the sun and never be happy but still confess that is he over Zimbo chicks because kuDiaspora well the chicks are prettier; they don't ask questions; they like chilling; they let him go out when he wants; they let him be his own man; they are easy to talk to; they cook and clean for him. Hold up I'm not your nanny or house maid so yes as much as you are over Zimbo chicks I would rather sit back and be on my own or date another nationality. This man will tell you and give you reasons why -even you start thinking that Zimbo chicks are bad. Please press delete.

So yes I said it even if I had a ten foot pole I would still walk on by and date another nationality because most Zimbo men have evolved into the despicable 12 types above. So much for being patriotic but if I have to learn French and date a Frenchman so be it!

Till next time Mr Kunakirwa kicks up a fuss about something *insert eye-rolling here*

Cheers

Miss Diaspora

P.S. Do as the poster says make your mama proud... put a ring on a Zimbo chick diaspora or not (lol)

Ladies let me halla at you right quick. The other day i was having a very enlightening conversation about a particular type of Zim girl we are finding out here in the diaspora. The boys were talking about why some diaspora girls are almost always a headache to deal with. Now i have no gwans with a woman's freedom to act whichever way she deems legit because unless it's my girl it's definitely not my problem... but i do have an issue with the fact that so many times when i hang with homies from Kenya, Nigeria etc and we happen to be comparing 'our women' when it comes to Zim chicks the reactions are priceless; 'Zim chicks mmmmmm those girls are dangerous!', 'What i have seen some of these Zimbabwean girls do?!' Reputation munayo askana.



A few years back this (once) homegirl of mine found her way out here and i saw her drunk for the first time a couple of weeks into her stay. It puzzled me. Back home she was the kind of girl every dude wanted; intelligent, well-mannered, she took care of herself well (and her boyfie too). Add to that she was a respectable church girl. Naturally it didn't make sense to me seeing her in a skimpy outfit with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice. We talked. She asked me why i wasn't drinking. I told her it wasn't my thing and she literally laughed. You know when someone laughs at you like you have just done the most ridiculous thing ever? Then she said, 'Iwe, fara shamwari zviya zvanga zviri zvekuZimbabwe, this is the diaspora hakuna vanaMhamha kuno.' I could not believe it and i was disappointed in her. She represented the mindset of a good chunk of our sisters when they get here. They change... a lot.

My top 2 reasons why:
Becoming too independent at a fragile stage in life - Barely a year out of high school and daddy sends them thousands of miles away. The problem with some of these youngns is at that stage where they need someone to be casting a watchful eye, they are free as a bird. The transition from being mwana waMr Nhingi to an independent and self sufficent someone akazvimirira is not easy. The peer pressure, need to impress, experimental phase and downright stupidity are a poisonous concoction. When you begin to formulate strong opinions nothing else matters other than what you think, lest you be wrong, everything else should.
Misconstrued sense of freedom - back home, girls can get away with this and that, sure, but it takes a hell of an effort so a good number simply don't bother. An environment can influence you to act right or WRONG. Our cultures differ with those out here... big time. 19 year old girls from here are on their 6th sexual partner, that's not us. They are cool with that. In Zim you are clearly a hoe, unoda zvinhu, uyathanda izinto. Females being drunk out of their mind, falling down stairs the 3rd night in a row is okay for them. Not us. In Zim you have lost your way, hauna kutsiga. People don't forget that sh*t. You can't always do what you want, it's not necessarily the best thing for you. People see, people talk.

So in the end after doing all the crazy things your mama told you never to do, you hook up with that Zim guy. You put on your sweetest act because he seems decent. You sleep with him. He sleeps with you. After a few months/years he decides you are not the one for him as he so happens to have the inside scoop on your very colourful 'history' (he definitely won't tell you that reason though). You catch a fit. You tried to pull a fast one on him to get him to put a ring on it but he was a step ahead the whole time. Instead he pulled a fast one on YOU. Now you are pissed. Automatically he is the a**hole, after all you have done for him. I won't lie, Zim guys tiri mapenzi and we do that more times than girls realise. We can dagger you regularly fully knowing that we don't want it to go anywhere 'this' is going nowhere and we act like we are in it 100%. We are a**holes like that.

Why? Because we know...



Zim guys know their Zim girls saka twumaTricks and mannerism twenyu which other nationalities and races can't notice, WE DO. You can hide it for a while but not forever. We know it and how to detect it. We know the types that sleep around. We know those club hoppers that are drunk week in week out. We know those that just want handouts from a man because isimbe. We know those that don't wanna cook. We know those that use church to prey on unsuspecting brothers. We know girls that think because now they are on that nursing salary they are better than any man out there. We know when they are faking to be wifey material. We don't want them. That's why these used up items end up playing the 'Zim guys havaite' card. THEY KNOW THAT ZIM GUYS DO NOT TOLERATE THAT NONSENSE WHEN IT COMES TO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Non-Zimbos don't ask and prolly don't care but Zim guys are wary of ending up with someone who will make married life hell. Then those girls have no choice but to look elsewhere. We know.

Mr Kunakirwa

Time and time again i have come across the call for equality especially concerning gender issues. Coming as no surprise, 'gender inequality' is deeply rooted within womanly cries that have typified supression on many levels. If you have your history in check you would know that many sisters have long been subjected to a lot of unfair treatment and have risen to overcome oppression (religious, sexual bla bla bla). I sympathise with all who have gone through the unfair platform of gender inequality and hi5 to all who have made their mark in making steps for women in general. Females have indeed come a long way. We are human after all why can't we just get along?

Now that i am done with the formalities let's get real... A certain type of young sister has become known to speak her mind and breathe fire in an attempt to stand her ground and show that she will be no push over. Not for a man. No. Never. She will not budge, because 'varume vajaira kutijairira'. The days of women taking the back seat are over... or at least numbered at best. When she is in her natural habitat with fellow creatures of the same kind she complains a lot about previous 'mistakes' she should have never made, her loss of patience with the current 'mistake' and claims independence from it. Better yet with social mediums like Facebook and Twitter, rant and rave is the order of the day. And so the 'I Don't Need A Man' sister rose to prominence, out to prove there is nothing she cannot do herself or get that a man can. All hail the mighty dildo!!!! Revolutionary Sexual Technology that.















Fair enough, the sister holds her own and will just about stop at nothing to find success. Credible strength of character to that effect. I draw inspiration from the sisters who go through crap and decide that they too matter, instead of conforming to what they really shouldn't. It's good to see someone give themselves attention, show themselves love and work hard to get to a level that many would envy. It is a great source of high self esteem and a confidence builder. But... as they say too much of anything is bad for you and the young sister usually knows not when to stop. For many it becomes obsessive to achieve especially when it is fuelled by hurt and there is a point to prove to 'the bastards who took me for granted'. Rather than living with that bitterness of 'why did he do this', 'why didn't he do that' and overcompensating for it in loathing men, why not thank God for saving you from being with the wrong one? A**holes will ALWAYS be there, and so will good men.

Nowadays you can't quite not pick up on the misconception of 'equality' that has overcome the young sister. I get miffed at that call for 'equality' that men and women are no different. Oh yes we are! On the most basic level, of which i am positive someone will still disagree with me, men and women differ in anatomical composition. This alone renders us effectively different no matter what. So when the young sister cannot and will not let homeboy be 'the man' of the house simply because 'handitongwi nemurume' you damn well know where that's headed. Shumba mbiri musango. Mabhuru maviri mudanga. Letting a man head the household hazvirevi kuti wadzvanyirirwa. She needs to get this. Homeboy, on the other hand, needs to respect that being afforded that position requires responsibility and integrity. The last thing he would ever want is to lose the trust and respect of his woman. Relationships that thrive have both parties bringing different elements to make the relationships work. Most people think you stay in love by chance and because it was meant to be. It is by work! Relationships need hard and smart workers. We can't all have the same strengths and weaknesses, even on a gender level. Generally women will have things that they will shag us men at and vice versa. It's when each partner decides to specialise and be the best at what they are good at for the benefit of the relationship that things become truly beautiful. It creates balance. The equality in inequality.
I've been intending to write about this topic for a while and express my views (as a self confessed opinionated individual). The incline is towards the sisters this time around. Source of inspiration: how many times have you come across a friend, relative, acquintance bla bla bla who seemed to be in such a beautiful relationship for a relatively long time (5 years give or take) only to be left high and dry with the altar beckoning? What nerve this purported 'dog' has, to leave such a good woman after all those years! Who does that?! He definitely must have been cheating. Maybe. Maybe not.

Food for thought: How long should you date before you get married?

Let me break it down for you my sisters. Before i get into that, to clear the air for those not in the know or have trouble comprehending the term... 'Dating' is a form of courtship where 2 individuals who otherwise fancy each other engage in activities to assess the other's suitability as a lifelong partner. My definition that is (subject to change over time). Back to the question at hand, how long should 2 individuals date before switching gears? The answer eludes me as much as it does anyone out there. There are different examples of what works according to a couple and therefore it is subjective. However, in all this we cannot discount the fact that more often than once, the extremes of too short or too long a dating period offer detrimental results that leave at least one half of the partnership rattled and almost beyond repair. Those who have gone through such will tell you that being left for dead is a guaranteed train wreck for most. Now you might be wondering why i have targeted the sisters for this and i guess Chris Rock best describes it with the words "Women get married; men surrender."

Sisters, if you date a man for more than 3 years without as much as a discussion about settling down or a solid promise to marry, you are treading a very thin line (other factors considered, like long distance relationships). The most likely option being that he is not going to marry you. Which is why when the relationship reaches a certain stage, every once in a while if he does not bring up the 'future', it is your duty as a woman to ask the odd question or 2 about his intentions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman taking the initiative in such a situation instead of just waiting for things to happen. Know what your man is thinking or at least try. If the 3 year window lapses, sisters, you have options:

Option 1 - Start hinting that you intend to settle and somewhat nudge him every now and again to find out where your man's mind is at. Most reasonable men will notice and make a plan.
Option 2 - Be frank with the man and tell him you want to know where this is going because of the time and emotional investment in this, he surely should have an idea by now if you are worth the lifelong partnership or not. As much as it might hurt, if leaving him is the best option then he best be aware that you will not hesitate.
Option 3 - Leave before getting hurt (I don't quite cosign this without giving him a grace period at least to make things right).

Beyond the 4-5 year mark, sorry zvenyu it's disaster waiting to happen in most cases. Bear in mind, the marketability for most sisters, according to us men, drops dramatically after a certain age (which we can put at 28 for arguments sake). I know a lotta the sisters have already screamed "Oh hell naww he didn't!". Well... yes i did but let's save that discussion for later. Anyhoo... Why i believe sisters have a case is simple. Every man, after a while (3 months to a year tops), has a pretty good idea of whether you are the kind of woman he sees himself with for life eternal. He can make a very informed decision based on your character, looks and all other factors considered. If the verdict disqualifies you from being worthy game for the role of Mrs Nhingi, the noble thing for me as to do is to tell you that i do not see 'us' going anywhere. The difference between the purported dog and the hopeful sister comes in that most sisters with their principles in check will tell a brother where to get off the moment they realise that it simply will not work. Some men on the other hand have no problem staying for 'benefits' and acting like they are in it. Call it 'security'... just making sure we have something before we get even more. In other words you are the rental before we decide on what it is we want to purchase.

Yes, you have a case my sisters but sometimes you yourselves can be blamed when you cannot, will not and do not want to notice the red flags over the dating period prior to the ugly break up. These include; each time you try to talk about the potential future he brushes it aside and changes the topic, refusal to meet your family after a reasonable dating period, refusal for you to meet his family, being introduced by name with no mention of your 'position' in his life and the list goes on and on. Barely a year after you break up, he is gleefully preparing to walk down the aisle proclaiming undying love for 'that b****' who seemingly came from nowhere when it is YOUR hard work that managed to mould him into the man he is. Ouch! That has to hurt... deep. Any man who loves his woman and knows that she is the one he wants to be with for life, will make every possible attempt to pop the question sooner rather than later. Forget waiting 'kusvikira maZhet abatana' or 'Concentrating on my career'. If you truly love your woman, she will have to fit into those plans, somehow.

Beyond a certain point it's simply naiive to believe that you are headed for a blissful Cinderella-like fairytale rather than setting yourself up for a big emotional tumble....
Back in the day i wrote a list of the ideal woman i wanted (pretty sure this came about while procrastinating but that's another story). She had to be beautiful, able to cook, funny and the list goes on and on. I came across this list the other week and had a good laugh at some of the things i wanted which clearly spelt 'Dreamland'. Funny enough, of the 20 odd points i noted down a solid 12 or so still apply today. Have i stayed that much the same person now as i was as a 17 year old? Or something horribly went wrong and didnt happen over the years maybe? Not really, some were quite valid!

I began to take stock of where i have been and how i have changed in the last few years. Damn! I made some vital mistakes, many of which i could have, or rather, should have avoided. Sometimes you must learn the hard way. We can all agree kuti whatever you look for in a partner changes with time as you grow older, whether you are aware of this or not. And how many times have you come out of a relationship to ask yourself, 'WTF was i thinking?!'. Life does that to us sometimes, some a bit more than others. I admit a period when simping just about found a permanent dwelling in me and i sunk into the deepest depths of unhappiness. For all the brothers out there who have had the unfortunate pleasure of this experience, we all know that it can break a man. Ladies, with all due respect, i DO NOT underestimate the powers of destruction you possess. As good as some of you are (and instrumental) in making a man realise his potential, others are just as gifted in handing out skirts to brothers they've single handedly detatched manhood from. You know the type that can make a man doubt himself and what he stands for... yea, them.

I don't know about other dudes but i really won't go blaming exs for my residence in Simpville even though they can go and hang for all i care. I kinda messed up on my own. With each assessment it worked out to simple math. Compromising standards = higher probablity of disaster. In a few months of madness i actually decided to go for someone i was really not attracted to because i thought since she wasn't all that I'd make it right to the centre of her affection and consume her day to day mentals, chances being not many other dudes would be interested in her anyway. How naiive was i?! HUGE MISTAKE coz i copped a serious L. I found out she was passing out her person like they used to hand out free condoms at soccer matches kuNational Sports Stadium in the 90s. She was as fake as the hair on her head. Epic fail. To be fair i guess i was really selfish in my intentions anyway so maybe i deserved it. Lesson learnt though. To quote an ex of some random dude, "There is nothing worse than being cheated on by an ugly person, so it is best to avoid dating them." It may sound harsh but co friggin siggady to that!!!

There is a huge difference between widening the net and lowering your standards. Avoid the latter like a plague. How i even got to the level of forgetting about myself, only the ground knows. The point here is that, if you have reasonable standards never compromise them. It's not worth it and without foresight it seems like the best way to combat loneliness yet in the long run it's your heart that takes a serious battering. Standards are there to serve as a guideline to what you would value in a person you would want to spend the rest of your forever with i.e for your own good! I don't really envy any single people out there but in this case it's far better to be alone and happy than with someone and depressed.


I've often wondered how many times i come across a status update/forum etc whereby the Zimbabwean sister is crying foul about the Unromantic Zimbabwean Man who lacks that touch... or at least seems to have lost it once he got the girl or became comfortable in the relationship/marriage. It could get even worse resulting in the evolution of some sisters into the 'I will never date an Zimbabwean man' type. As a man i admit that i catch feelings to realise that so many Zimbabwean women feel this way and i almost always get tempted to strongly defend our rep. But wait a minute brothers... could these females have a valid point?

Now i know the first line of defence is to highlight how women are confused about what they want and sometimes have extremely high expectations that are unreasonable. Maybe. It's too tempting to join the female bashing bandwagon but i believe i'm a reasonable kinda guy and i might as well look at it objectively, right? In so doing i asked myself, 'What does this Unromantic Zimbabwean Man perceive to be a good man/husband to the lady at the center of his affection?'

One of two things, if not both:

*Being good in bed
*Providing for her (if he has at least half a brain to understand the need for this to begin with)

More often than once i have heard the typical male convo where we openly claim that if you satisfy your woman physically she will never ever leave you. Brothers, giving a woman good poundage (counts but) has never been and will never be the way to keep a woman (happy). Our Zimbabwean sisters are more complete than we give them credit for. And to believe that a physical aspect of the relationship can guarantee us unrivaled loyalty is naiive and shallow at best much to the annoyance of the Zimbabwean sister who understands what i am onto here. On the other hand, I know that providing for your family (in this case, woman) is of utmost importance in your role as a man but it is not the only one.

How often have you heard a story about how someone's husband was once the sweetest guy on earth and everything changed? I know i have heard it more times than i would have liked to. Is it that the Zimbabwean sister simply loves to rant and rave about the shortcomings of the Unromantic Zimbabwean Man? Ladies, sometimes you do overlook some elements of essential comms like when you get into 'guess what i'm thinking' mode (take for example your man notices something bothering you then asks you if anything has upset you and you reply, "You know what you did!" then storm off. Would i be asking if i did?). Let's postpone that one for another day. Enough about whatever else, so what is the real problem? One word: Perception. The view of relationships and romance that we grow up thinking is right and therefore end up adopting as our own without questioning its validity in present day society or our own particular situations.


The Unromantic Zimbabwean man simply believes that

1. (the act of) love is going to work and bringing home the bacon
2. romance is having sex.

Huge problem. Pane nyaya apa guys
Sometimes as men we have a very warped sense of how simple it is to be with a woman... as long as she tickles your fancy that is. Not. The last thing any man wants is to end up with a woman he can't wait to get away from. I know most you fellas been there, done that and let me say this once and for all: 75% chance says YOU are to blame for ending up with her anyway. I'm not playing the blame game today saka maface angu you live to experience another ray of sunshine. Instead, i seek to establish a solution forthwith for i realise the suffering many of us have endured.

How then, can we as the male species overturn the simplicity that leads us into the deeper depths of regret where she becomes more a monster than the woman of your dreams? To up your chances of ending up with a fairly decent female there are 'types' that you need to avoid. Every brother must take note of the tell tale signs in order to prevent a calamitous outcome manufactured by a selfish feminines' intentions (whether she is aware of this or not). Maface angu, if the girl you like or see a potential tomorrow with exhibits certain traits without a 'valid explanation', run... run as fast as you can.

This is a list of some of my no-nos:

1. Too much time on her hands - this the type that would end up knowing more about you than yourself (in a stalker kinda way). Imagine mid-way through a conversation and she says "I googled you!!!". Run brothers, run.
2. Too many personal questions - you meet today. She wants to know everything about you... today. I hate annoying women who don't know when to shut up.
3. Always talking about her ex - the hell i wanna know about him for?! Baggage mdhara baggage
4. The 'men-are-dogs' type - any woman who blames relationship failures or anything along those lines, on men being 'dogs' is not worth your time bro. Seriously.
5. If she is a party animal - 'bhawa rangers' have always and will always be a bad idea... and i bet you some feminines reading this are mumbling under their breath about 'just having fun and being free'. Yes, you are the type i mean. Of course you are free to do as you please, when and however you do but eventually it will catch up when you start wanting to live a fulfilling life. Let's just say if the bouncer at the door always lets you in for free and knows you by name... you are pushing it.
6. She smokes - as repulsive as a female can get.
7. Too keen to establish a formal relationship - this simply screams desperation. Desperate is NOT attractive. Take it easy for crying out loud, we only just met.
8. The 'men-stop-me-from-progressing' type - there is nothing wrong with a woman who has ambition, nothing at all. But when she begins to slam the door on good men because 'money' (or is it her career) is currently making her world go round only to realise 5 years from now that the Sony Bravia plasma and that 4th gen Merc C-Class don't quite seem to keep great company anymore......
9. Miss Money - if she can't have fun without money involved you best have bottomless pockets fam. I'll spend money on my woman no doubt but let not money be our bond.
10. Slutty dressing - exposing half your body in public all the time will definitely sit right with me as a perv, no diggity, but you ain't the one to meet my Mama. Some women seem to have no understanding of the fact that slutty IS NOT the same as sexy.

All in all, there is no woman that walks the earth that does not think she got it like that. If she wants you enough, she will try to convince you that she is everything you need. This applies to either gender, you judge the person you fancy by your standards and not by what they think they are. Eventually you get to realise that everyone thinks highly of themselves to some extent and would not purposely sabotage their own efforts to get a good person. It's your duty to separate the chaff from the grain.
So i was doing some online galavanting and on one of my favourite boards that i occassionally visit to stimulate my mentals there was an interesting discussion about 'ug chicks' or for those who know no better, ugly females. Now i know a lot of y'all will prolly ask, 'Who do you think you are to call another human being ugly?' Well... my eyes, my opinion. The fellas were attacking this one from this angle: why is it that among a crew of females the ugly chick is almost always the one who is rude and got attitude? Real talk! You step up to a group of feminines and the moment you say "Molo sisi, ngicel' uku....." the grotesque looking one cuts you off on a, "Leave her alone she doesn't want to talk to you. Let's go *while dragging beautiful friend away*." And you are left thinking, "Who the hell asked you??!" Whilst they walk away you can just about hear this Third Wheel ug chick mumbling some profanities about 'guys who just think because girls are in a group they are waiting for a guy to approach them.' So now it's the dudes fault for trying to start a conversation? It all leaves you wondering why the monstrous friends seem to have the controlling vote over their beautiful counterparts' decisions (did i mention the anger issues?). Coz she isn't getting any, noone else can. A lot of ugly chicks think they the best thing since sliced bread, full of themselves and have no idea where they are on the food chain. It's not enough that this female is ugly, she has a bloody stinking attitude too! There goes any chance of her actually rescuing a point or 2.

Before i get carried away with my rant, let me get to what i really wanted to write about. A female went on to pose an interesting question:


"I would like to know why guys holler so relentlessly on the streets at women they know damn well they can't get...whether because they themselves are ugly or they're a 'Joe Soap' tryna get with a Kardashian type..."


This reminded me of some advice an aunt of mine gave me way back when. She told me that sometimes what you simply have to do is get yourself heard. It does not matter how the other person takes it (supposing they don't care or whatever) but at least you told them. So to the females wondering why guys (seemingly of a lower class than what you think you are) take the opportunity to try and get to know you in some way... It is better to have tried and failed. What i, as an 'unworthy' man lack in looks, financials etc i might as well make up for in confidence.You can't blame a man for trying.